Following disagreement

Thank you to anyone who prayed or had positive thoughts in any way about my big event of last week. Sunday passed without major incident, Thank God.

It's not resolved however and honestly, I can't see how it is going to. This person would have totally blanked me, if I had not spoken to her - addressing her as I normally would and would (and did) anyone else. The more I think about it (and unfortunately, I'm pondering little else), I realise that I did all I could after the disagreement to resolve the situation. But she has to accept it and I'm not sure she has. As frustrating as it is, it is not my place to demand that she acknowledge and accept the resolution I presented or negotiate a new one. I must be patient and wait. And carry on being myself.

I'm still really shook up though. The least thing, my eyes start to well up and I retreat into sadness and silence - even at work today. I haven't really talked about this with anyone. People are either too connected to me to see objectively (will just diss the person - 'cos that helps!) or I think it's inappropriate to talk about it with them because they are in a leadership role, they know her etc. Although this disagreement happened in front of about 10 other people, not one has asked me about it or how I am or anything at all - I think that that might be the most devastating thing about this.

I wish I had the courage to bring this up with the people concerned. But I'm afraid that I'm making too much of this and that I'm making it all about me. I'm afraid that no one will take me seriously and that I and my feelings will be rejected. I'm afraid of appearing weak. By some things that were said on Sunday, I reckon that because I got so upset I've been judged as weak and incapable, if not incompetent. The shortcut to making this alright is to carry on and be strong. The true way to begin to make this right would be for me to have courage and raise this with those concerned. But that would require them to make an effort too. And cause pain. But eventually healing and joy.

It occured to me today that I need forgiveness - for the guilt I feel, that this happened at all, that it got so out of hand, that I feel so bad about it, that it wasn't properly resolved, that I don't have the courage to resolve it, that I failed as a leader and teacher ... for whatever I've done that has caused such reactions, the hatred and the apathy. Will try for Confession tomorrow.

There is a good in all this - it is so much easier to pray when there is absolutely nothing you can do except depend on God.

I did not come to this without help - I am not that objective. I went to a talk yesterday about dependence on God and I'm reading The Different Drum by M Scott Peck about building community.