Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Feeling the stress

I had a good weekend break, away from London in Ireland. Life in Ireland is like an alternate reality. It's really hard to describe - it's just so different. I don't know if it's the family, the land, taking part in farm life, the ancestral connection (some kind of genetic memory thing? Or is that too sci-fi?) or that it's actually real and living in London is the unreal, manufactured reality.
Anyway, back to work today. All I could think was 'I don't want to be here'.
I had a realisation that for basically the next two months, I have choir/extra-Church type stuff almost every weekend. Literally, my life for the next two months is work, parish, work, choir and all the associated planning and politics that go with it.

I'm feeling the stress and the weight of expectation for something I am totally unprepared for.

I am not telepathic. I am not God. I'm not that competent a musician. When I'm preparing for any kind of service (even regular Sunday Mass), I need time. I need time to read the readings and pray about them. I need time to go through the Choir's repitoire and select music. If necessary, I need time to choose new pieces, learn them and then teach them to the Choir. The Choir then needs time to learn and get familiar with the music. For things we're not so familiar with, we need at least two rehearsals to get to an appropriate standard.

It seems like this is all extra stuff that I don't have time to get my head around - and work and sleep and live and not go mad. It seems a bit rude to God to have all this stuff coming up and not be able to do (or at least try to do) it well.

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