Heat, worry and control

I think the heat is affecting my brain. The high temperatures (30 C plus), no air conditioning (I live in a house built in 1910 and work in a building built in 1895) AND the joy of the Tube every morning and evening has turned life into a daily challenge. It's reducing everything to basic principles - do I have enough water, deodrant, salt? Have I appropriate clothes to wear to work?

I have no room to consider more serious, important things at all. It's like when you're unwell, everything becomes all about you. Stuff that you used to worry about (or do worry about when things become normal) doesn't even register - it's all about what you need to do to get things done and make it through the day.

I had my appendix removed a couple of years ago. It was liberating because I couldn't worry about work or washing my hair or the news. I was worrying about walking or sleeping on my right side or trying to stay awake when I had visitors.

There was no point worrying about washing my hair, because I couldn't do anything about it. I couldn't wash it. I couldn't sit in a way that someone else could wash it. There was nothing - nothing - I could do about it. It was outside my area of control.

So during the working week my whole focus is coping with the heat and work, and getting ready for the next day. Sometimes, I have enough space to watch a dvd or pray, but that is pretty much it. I feel a little guilty, because there is so much more I could be doing or should be doing.

What I am focused on are the essentials. On Saturdays and on Sunday afternoons and in five weeks time, I hope to have the time and space to do/think/be.