Theme song

Do you remember Ally McBeal, an American series from a few years back? It was famous for wacky stories, oddball characters and the dancing baby! One storyline had Ally (the main character) choosing a 'theme song' that she would sing to as part of her therapy. So of course, in school the next day we all decided to choose our theme song. I think I chose 'I'm a believer', to try to sing myself into positivity. If only I had know that my actual (!) theme song was this ;)

Your Theme Song is Back in Black by AC/DC

"Back in black, I hit the sack, I've been too long, I'm glad to be back" Things sometimes get really crazy for you, and sometimes you have to get away from all the chaos. But each time you stage your comeback, it's even better than the last!

What's Your Theme Song?

Via Happy Catholic

A free mind...

...is one which is untroubled and unfettered by anything,

which has not bound its best part to any particular manner of being or devotion

and which does not seek its own interest in anything

but is always immersed in

God's most precious will,

having gone out of what is its own.

(my emphasis)
Selected writings (The talks of instruction)
Meister Eckhart

Heat, worry and control

I think the heat is affecting my brain. The high temperatures (30 C plus), no air conditioning (I live in a house built in 1910 and work in a building built in 1895) AND the joy of the Tube every morning and evening has turned life into a daily challenge. It's reducing everything to basic principles - do I have enough water, deodrant, salt? Have I appropriate clothes to wear to work?

I have no room to consider more serious, important things at all. It's like when you're unwell, everything becomes all about you. Stuff that you used to worry about (or do worry about when things become normal) doesn't even register - it's all about what you need to do to get things done and make it through the day.

I had my appendix removed a couple of years ago. It was liberating because I couldn't worry about work or washing my hair or the news. I was worrying about walking or sleeping on my right side or trying to stay awake when I had visitors.

There was no point worrying about washing my hair, because I couldn't do anything about it. I couldn't wash it. I couldn't sit in a way that someone else could wash it. There was nothing - nothing - I could do about it. It was outside my area of control.

So during the working week my whole focus is coping with the heat and work, and getting ready for the next day. Sometimes, I have enough space to watch a dvd or pray, but that is pretty much it. I feel a little guilty, because there is so much more I could be doing or should be doing.

What I am focused on are the essentials. On Saturdays and on Sunday afternoons and in five weeks time, I hope to have the time and space to do/think/be.

And I think I get some of it...

I've struggled with the idea of what love is for ages. Recently, I've been trying to get my head around the difference between state and feelings - we use the same words to describe both, but they are not the same.

So, this is the thing. Love, defined the Christian way as charity, always seems boring. It 's one of those things where I know it's a good thing and something I need to work towards, but I don't get why.

When I read The Four Loves by CS Lewis, I always have to force myself to finish the chapter on charity. With the other loves CS Lewis talks about, there is some pleasant payback. You don't have to work hard to receive them - you get those loves for just being yourself. But charity is a struggle. Charity is not just a warm fuzzy feeling - it is something I have to actively choose to do. It's hard and often thankless. Thomas Merton summed up that state I usually find myself in when he said (something like);

love given, selfishly received, diminishes the love given

(from No Man is an Island - I can't find my copy to get the exact quote)

It's also that I don't really see examples of this kind of love. Affection, eros, friendship all float around in the public sphere and real life - I can think of lots of examples. I can think of examples of people helping others (Buffy, Angel, Star Trek etc), but that's not quite it.

A couple of weekends ago, I went to Bright Lights. Last weekend, I went to some of Spirit in the City. I cannot describe the atmosphere other than to say that everyone cared. When other people spoke about their problems, my only concern was to help them as much as I could, however they needed it (by listening, talking, praying, whatever). It was not about my ego or wanting approval. Likewise, when I needed help I received it. I didn't have to worry about making a mountain out of a molehill, or being misunderstood or creating the wrong impression. I was accepted for who and what I was, no judgement. And I accepted others for who and what they were, not judgment. And, for some reason I couldn't explain, we were all happy and joyful and having fun.

We had catechesis from Bishop Bernard during Spirit in the City, and this just leaped out at me:

Love is an act of will where we put ourselves out for the good of the other.

And I realised that that was what was happening with the people at these events. We put ourselves out for the good of other people. This is charity.

And it isn't boring. It's soooooo much fun. It makes me feel relaxed and happy and enables me to be me. This is the payback for charity.

The problem is, that this is the easy bit - loving people who love you back. Possibly the most scary passage in the Gospels is this:

30 Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back.
31 Do to others as you would have them do to you.
32 If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' love those who love them.
33 And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' do that.
34 And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' lend to 'sinners', expecting to be repaid in full.
35 But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked.

Lk 6: 30-35

So don't get this...

... but my Mother reckons this is a very me thing to say?!

Your Famous Last Words Will Be:

"Tell them I said something."

What Will Your Famous Last Words Be?

The Convent Episodes 3&4

This has been a great series. Simple and seemingly mundane at times, but really thought provoking.

The theme of the final two episodes of this series seemed to be the same - how easy it is to get 'legitimately' distracted. All the 'rebellions' that the women had in The Convent are (and I'm not sure which is more frightening) socially acceptable and normal! Hanging out with a friend, doing something you're good at, getting up when you want - all things that we are told to do. We live in a democracy (in theory) which therefore means that we can and should do what we like to do and what we want to do (unless there is a law against it).

At Bright Lights, the final two talks were by Fr. Tim and Fr. Stan - both about freedom and choice and not doing what you feel like doing just because you feel like doing it. It was kind of revolutionary - how often do you hear anyone talk about not following their feelings up with action? Or less radical challenges like being polite to someone who is rude or not eating a huge bar of chocolate when you feel like it because you know it's bad for you. Acting, not reacting - it's unheard of. This kind of thing takes discipline (I'm hearing my drama teacher in my head, who used to lecture us about how great the Liverpool football team of the 1960s was - DISCIPLINE!) and the understanding/ability to delay gratification. But before I go off on a tangent...

In The Convent, you could see visible changes in those who chose to give up that which was most important to them, that which defined them and discipline themselves to do things they both really did and didn't want to do. And you could see the stagnation when individuals held onto things, and how quickly things moved when they let go.

What I really appreciated as well was that, although the nuns did (mostly) the same things, dressed in a similar way, held the same beliefs, they were all very different from each other. That's a kind of freedom that we don't often see in the real world. I know I spend a lot of time and energy worrying about what other people think of me and trying not to worry about what other people think of me. The days when I don't worry are so liberating and fruitful and soooo much fun!

So, great series. I've read and heard some different suggestions for a follow up:

• The Parish (thank you 1dayin7, for such a scary thought)
• The Seminary
• The Prayer Group
• The Small Faith Sharing Community (only kidding!)

A lot of people criticise the BBC for different reasons (being anti-Catholic, anti-American, a waste of money, the licence fee etc.). I love the BBC because of it's remit, it's (relative and rapidly shrinking) freedom from outside influence (both in terms of advertising and content control), the value for money (less than a swanky cup of coffee each day for something like 8 tv channels, umpteen radio stations, a great website etc) - just go and read about Habermas and the Public Sphere. Or watch American tv - how annoying and invasive are those adverts?

Which other UK broadcaster would have commissioned and shown The Convent? Ok, Channel 4 does some interesting religious programmes, but always from 'an angle'. The Convent was what is was, straight up, no (or little) nonsense.

Fr. Stan podcasts

Have just found a site with podcasts by Fr. Stan. Have only listened to one thus far, but it was pretty good. He preaches, he sings, he quotes Evelyn Underhill - what more can I say?

St Benedict

For some reason, I was very excited that today was the Memoria of St. Benedict (one of my favourite saints). Even more excited than I was about the Memoria of St Alban (who was my house patron at school) or the Feast of St. Thomas More (who is my Confirmation saint).

I'm putting it down to having a BEAUTIFUL weekend camping in a BEAUTIFUL field, listening to BEAUTIFUL people like Fr. Timothy Radcliffe and Fr. Stan Fortuna, and hanging out with other BEAUTIFUL people who are for real (and Catholic).

Anyway, I really liked this phrase from today's Morning prayer;

Give us grace to put Your love before all else,
and so to run with joy
in the way of your commandments.

This weekend...

18-35? Will You Be There?

WHERE ????... @ the Diocesan BRIGHTLIGHTS Festival for Young Adults...???

So register quick for BRIGHTLIGHTs for all, some or part of the weekend Fri 7 - Mon 10 July.
email brightlightsmail@yahoo.co.uk to register. See you there!
Check Out the Bright Lights Video

Peter & Paul

From BXVI's homily on the Feast of Sts. Peter and Paul (Okay, so I'm a bit late - but I quite liked this):

Benedict XVI then highlighted the fact that Jesus, having made His promise to Peter, starts out towards Jerusalem and the Cross. "The Church - and in her Christ - also suffers today," he said. "In her, Christ is once again scorned and beaten; once again an attempt is made to push Him out of the world. Once again, the little ship of the Church is shaken by the winds of ideologies ... and she seems condemned to sink under the waters. And yet, it is precisely in the suffering Church that Christ is triumphant. Despite everything, faith in Him always reacquires new strength."

The Lord "remains in His ship, in the little vessel of the Church," the Pope added. "In the same way, Peter's ministry reveals, on the one had, the weakness of man's faculties, but at the same time the strength of God. It is precisely in the weakness of men that the Lord shows His strength."

Peter's task, the Holy Father continued, was also "never to let this faith become mute, but ever to reinvigorate it, even before the cross and all the contradictions of the world."

After mentioning Peter's three denials, Benedict XVI said: "through this fall, Peter - and with him the Church in all times - must learn that one's own strength is not enough to build and guide the Church of the Lord. No one can manage it alone. However capable and able Peter many seem, at the first moment of trial he failed."

"For all those who have responsibility in the Church; for all those who suffer the confusion of these times; for the great and the small: Lord, protect us always and anew and thus raise us up when we fall and take us into Your good hands."

Upside down, turned around and inside out...

... is how I am feeling right now.

Sorry for abandoning this blog for the last while, but I have not had the brainpower or the time to do anything outside my duties - except watch The Convent and Battlestar Galactica.

The things that I'm doing right now, are not bringing me fulfilment or joy. If you look at my life from the outside (and if you are reading this, you have a window to the inside) I'm doing all the right things. Just look at my profile - I have all these names and labels associated with being me that sound really great. Lately, these names and labels have become chains.

I'm not sure if it's me, the environments I'm in, the roles I play, the people I'm with or something else. The point is, I'm not happy. I feel like I'm not allowed to be me. My doctor reckons I'm mildly depressed. So, things are going to change.

And that's what I've been doing this last week - putting change in motion. It's not going to happen until September, but it is GOING to happen. Watch this space...