Theme song

Do you remember Ally McBeal, an American series from a few years back? It was famous for wacky stories, oddball characters and the dancing baby! One storyline had Ally (the main character) choosing a 'theme song' that she would sing to as part of her therapy. So of course, in school the next day we all decided to choose our theme song. I think I chose 'I'm a believer', to try to sing myself into positivity. If only I had know that my actual (!) theme song was this ;)

Your Theme Song is Back in Black by AC/DC

"Back in black, I hit the sack, I've been too long, I'm glad to be back" Things sometimes get really crazy for you, and sometimes you have to get away from all the chaos. But each time you stage your comeback, it's even better than the last!

What's Your Theme Song?

Via Happy Catholic

A free mind...

...is one which is untroubled and unfettered by anything,

which has not bound its best part to any particular manner of being or devotion

and which does not seek its own interest in anything

but is always immersed in

God's most precious will,

having gone out of what is its own.

(my emphasis)
Selected writings (The talks of instruction)
Meister Eckhart

Heat, worry and control

I think the heat is affecting my brain. The high temperatures (30 C plus), no air conditioning (I live in a house built in 1910 and work in a building built in 1895) AND the joy of the Tube every morning and evening has turned life into a daily challenge. It's reducing everything to basic principles - do I have enough water, deodrant, salt? Have I appropriate clothes to wear to work?

I have no room to consider more serious, important things at all. It's like when you're unwell, everything becomes all about you. Stuff that you used to worry about (or do worry about when things become normal) doesn't even register - it's all about what you need to do to get things done and make it through the day.

I had my appendix removed a couple of years ago. It was liberating because I couldn't worry about work or washing my hair or the news. I was worrying about walking or sleeping on my right side or trying to stay awake when I had visitors.

There was no point worrying about washing my hair, because I couldn't do anything about it. I couldn't wash it. I couldn't sit in a way that someone else could wash it. There was nothing - nothing - I could do about it. It was outside my area of control.

So during the working week my whole focus is coping with the heat and work, and getting ready for the next day. Sometimes, I have enough space to watch a dvd or pray, but that is pretty much it. I feel a little guilty, because there is so much more I could be doing or should be doing.

What I am focused on are the essentials. On Saturdays and on Sunday afternoons and in five weeks time, I hope to have the time and space to do/think/be.

And I think I get some of it...

I've struggled with the idea of what love is for ages. Recently, I've been trying to get my head around the difference between state and feelings - we use the same words to describe both, but they are not the same.

So, this is the thing. Love, defined the Christian way as charity, always seems boring. It 's one of those things where I know it's a good thing and something I need to work towards, but I don't get why.

When I read The Four Loves by CS Lewis, I always have to force myself to finish the chapter on charity. With the other loves CS Lewis talks about, there is some pleasant payback. You don't have to work hard to receive them - you get those loves for just being yourself. But charity is a struggle. Charity is not just a warm fuzzy feeling - it is something I have to actively choose to do. It's hard and often thankless. Thomas Merton summed up that state I usually find myself in when he said (something like);

love given, selfishly received, diminishes the love given

(from No Man is an Island - I can't find my copy to get the exact quote)

It's also that I don't really see examples of this kind of love. Affection, eros, friendship all float around in the public sphere and real life - I can think of lots of examples. I can think of examples of people helping others (Buffy, Angel, Star Trek etc), but that's not quite it.

A couple of weekends ago, I went to Bright Lights. Last weekend, I went to some of Spirit in the City. I cannot describe the atmosphere other than to say that everyone cared. When other people spoke about their problems, my only concern was to help them as much as I could, however they needed it (by listening, talking, praying, whatever). It was not about my ego or wanting approval. Likewise, when I needed help I received it. I didn't have to worry about making a mountain out of a molehill, or being misunderstood or creating the wrong impression. I was accepted for who and what I was, no judgement. And I accepted others for who and what they were, not judgment. And, for some reason I couldn't explain, we were all happy and joyful and having fun.

We had catechesis from Bishop Bernard during Spirit in the City, and this just leaped out at me:

Love is an act of will where we put ourselves out for the good of the other.

And I realised that that was what was happening with the people at these events. We put ourselves out for the good of other people. This is charity.

And it isn't boring. It's soooooo much fun. It makes me feel relaxed and happy and enables me to be me. This is the payback for charity.

The problem is, that this is the easy bit - loving people who love you back. Possibly the most scary passage in the Gospels is this:

30 Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back.
31 Do to others as you would have them do to you.
32 If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' love those who love them.
33 And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' do that.
34 And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' lend to 'sinners', expecting to be repaid in full.
35 But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked.

Lk 6: 30-35

So don't get this...

... but my Mother reckons this is a very me thing to say?!

Your Famous Last Words Will Be:

"Tell them I said something."

What Will Your Famous Last Words Be?

The Convent Episodes 3&4

This has been a great series. Simple and seemingly mundane at times, but really thought provoking.

The theme of the final two episodes of this series seemed to be the same - how easy it is to get 'legitimately' distracted. All the 'rebellions' that the women had in The Convent are (and I'm not sure which is more frightening) socially acceptable and normal! Hanging out with a friend, doing something you're good at, getting up when you want - all things that we are told to do. We live in a democracy (in theory) which therefore means that we can and should do what we like to do and what we want to do (unless there is a law against it).

At Bright Lights, the final two talks were by Fr. Tim and Fr. Stan - both about freedom and choice and not doing what you feel like doing just because you feel like doing it. It was kind of revolutionary - how often do you hear anyone talk about not following their feelings up with action? Or less radical challenges like being polite to someone who is rude or not eating a huge bar of chocolate when you feel like it because you know it's bad for you. Acting, not reacting - it's unheard of. This kind of thing takes discipline (I'm hearing my drama teacher in my head, who used to lecture us about how great the Liverpool football team of the 1960s was - DISCIPLINE!) and the understanding/ability to delay gratification. But before I go off on a tangent...

In The Convent, you could see visible changes in those who chose to give up that which was most important to them, that which defined them and discipline themselves to do things they both really did and didn't want to do. And you could see the stagnation when individuals held onto things, and how quickly things moved when they let go.

What I really appreciated as well was that, although the nuns did (mostly) the same things, dressed in a similar way, held the same beliefs, they were all very different from each other. That's a kind of freedom that we don't often see in the real world. I know I spend a lot of time and energy worrying about what other people think of me and trying not to worry about what other people think of me. The days when I don't worry are so liberating and fruitful and soooo much fun!

So, great series. I've read and heard some different suggestions for a follow up:

• The Parish (thank you 1dayin7, for such a scary thought)
• The Seminary
• The Prayer Group
• The Small Faith Sharing Community (only kidding!)

A lot of people criticise the BBC for different reasons (being anti-Catholic, anti-American, a waste of money, the licence fee etc.). I love the BBC because of it's remit, it's (relative and rapidly shrinking) freedom from outside influence (both in terms of advertising and content control), the value for money (less than a swanky cup of coffee each day for something like 8 tv channels, umpteen radio stations, a great website etc) - just go and read about Habermas and the Public Sphere. Or watch American tv - how annoying and invasive are those adverts?

Which other UK broadcaster would have commissioned and shown The Convent? Ok, Channel 4 does some interesting religious programmes, but always from 'an angle'. The Convent was what is was, straight up, no (or little) nonsense.

Fr. Stan podcasts

Have just found a site with podcasts by Fr. Stan. Have only listened to one thus far, but it was pretty good. He preaches, he sings, he quotes Evelyn Underhill - what more can I say?

St Benedict

For some reason, I was very excited that today was the Memoria of St. Benedict (one of my favourite saints). Even more excited than I was about the Memoria of St Alban (who was my house patron at school) or the Feast of St. Thomas More (who is my Confirmation saint).

I'm putting it down to having a BEAUTIFUL weekend camping in a BEAUTIFUL field, listening to BEAUTIFUL people like Fr. Timothy Radcliffe and Fr. Stan Fortuna, and hanging out with other BEAUTIFUL people who are for real (and Catholic).

Anyway, I really liked this phrase from today's Morning prayer;

Give us grace to put Your love before all else,
and so to run with joy
in the way of your commandments.

This weekend...

18-35? Will You Be There?

WHERE ????... @ the Diocesan BRIGHTLIGHTS Festival for Young Adults...???

So register quick for BRIGHTLIGHTs for all, some or part of the weekend Fri 7 - Mon 10 July.
email brightlightsmail@yahoo.co.uk to register. See you there!
Check Out the Bright Lights Video

Peter & Paul

From BXVI's homily on the Feast of Sts. Peter and Paul (Okay, so I'm a bit late - but I quite liked this):

Benedict XVI then highlighted the fact that Jesus, having made His promise to Peter, starts out towards Jerusalem and the Cross. "The Church - and in her Christ - also suffers today," he said. "In her, Christ is once again scorned and beaten; once again an attempt is made to push Him out of the world. Once again, the little ship of the Church is shaken by the winds of ideologies ... and she seems condemned to sink under the waters. And yet, it is precisely in the suffering Church that Christ is triumphant. Despite everything, faith in Him always reacquires new strength."

The Lord "remains in His ship, in the little vessel of the Church," the Pope added. "In the same way, Peter's ministry reveals, on the one had, the weakness of man's faculties, but at the same time the strength of God. It is precisely in the weakness of men that the Lord shows His strength."

Peter's task, the Holy Father continued, was also "never to let this faith become mute, but ever to reinvigorate it, even before the cross and all the contradictions of the world."

After mentioning Peter's three denials, Benedict XVI said: "through this fall, Peter - and with him the Church in all times - must learn that one's own strength is not enough to build and guide the Church of the Lord. No one can manage it alone. However capable and able Peter many seem, at the first moment of trial he failed."

"For all those who have responsibility in the Church; for all those who suffer the confusion of these times; for the great and the small: Lord, protect us always and anew and thus raise us up when we fall and take us into Your good hands."

Upside down, turned around and inside out...

... is how I am feeling right now.

Sorry for abandoning this blog for the last while, but I have not had the brainpower or the time to do anything outside my duties - except watch The Convent and Battlestar Galactica.

The things that I'm doing right now, are not bringing me fulfilment or joy. If you look at my life from the outside (and if you are reading this, you have a window to the inside) I'm doing all the right things. Just look at my profile - I have all these names and labels associated with being me that sound really great. Lately, these names and labels have become chains.

I'm not sure if it's me, the environments I'm in, the roles I play, the people I'm with or something else. The point is, I'm not happy. I feel like I'm not allowed to be me. My doctor reckons I'm mildly depressed. So, things are going to change.

And that's what I've been doing this last week - putting change in motion. It's not going to happen until September, but it is GOING to happen. Watch this space...

The Convent Episode 2

Episode 2 was shown last Wednesday - you can watch it again or see extra clips here. My thoughts...

I was struck again by how brave the four women featured in this programme are. They have left everything that they know and are familiar with to try out this alien way of life - a way of life that is unusual by Catholic standards and these women are not Catholic. I wonder how 'regular' Catholics would cope? I wonder if I would cope?

What each of them is experiencing is fascinating in different ways and yet, it's somehow the same. It's like they have taken a time out from themselves to experiment with new ways of thinking and viewing and modelling the world and themselves.

When I watch the programme, I like that God is not referenced just for the sake of it - I don't notice a 'it's a programme about Catholics, therefore we must mention God continuously' type thing. Although, given that I am a Catholic, I honestly don't pay huge attention to the explainations - I do tend to take that as a given. Given my cultural specs, I only notice the nuns referencing God and Catholic teaching when it helps them to live and to be themselves. It's like the rules and teachings that sometimes seem to be a burden, the nuns use as tools. Will have to think more on this.

UK Blogs

I'm slowly learning (well, trying) not to make definite statements - everytime I do, the opposite happens. God must like to keep me confused :-).

Anyway, I've somehow come across this blog - Blogging the Catholic Church in England and Wales. Not only is it UK based Catholic blog, it also lists lots of other UK and Irish blogs and sites.

So excited!

Opposites are not

A friend of mine is really into older-style Catholic stuff. I'm not. He loves the Latin Mass, traditional Mass settings, vestments etc. I wouldn't choose to attend a Latin Mass as an ordinary event. I really enjoy Youth Masses (Y2K, WYD style). He wouldn't choose to attend a Youth Mass or to sing modern Catholic music.

Based on his advice, I have attended some old-school type services in Latin. I enjoyed some aspects of them and found myself to be spiritually moved (I'm sorry I cannot come up with a better expression than this) in a different way. I suspect that there are certain things you only recieve through the medium of traditional, Latin, Catholic services. Likewise, I've exposed him to modern Catholic music. He was a little aprehensive at first, but appreciated the intentions and did actually enjoy some of the songs.

Both of us are Catholic. We express our faith very differently. For both of us, the focus is God. So when I say something like 'have you heard this new Catholic rock band?' or similar, his immediate response is to take the mick (a little) and then listen to what ever I say (or cd I lend). I am not trying to heal, convert or cure, but to share something that has brought me a new understanding or moved me, and taught me more about God.

There are certain things that you have to do, in a specified way, as a Catholic - attend Mass, pray, receive the Sacraments etc. There are certain things that you have to do in an unspecified way - love God, love other people, be yourself. There are certain things that are open to you that are optional/your choice - attending Mass during the week, attend Mass in English, Polish, Latin or Portuguese, becoming a priest or a religious etc.

None of these different ways of being Catholic is right or wrong of themselves - they are an expression of something else, the Truth (substance) through our culture (accidentals). We need them all. If we ban the Latin Mass or girl altar servers or guitars for cultural reasons, we are the losers. If we ignore any one subgroup of the Church, we lose out. We are enriched by being able to hold and accept all these apparent contradictions (and each other) together.

I'm not saying that everything merits approval. If the focus is God and something is still problematic, we need to ask ourselves why. We need to question our own focus at the same time we question others. We don't have all the answers. God does. We need to ask for humility and courage, to be ourselves and let other be themselves.

To the truly humble man the ordinary ways and customs and habits of men are not a matter for conflict. The saints do not get excited about the things that people eat and drink, wear on their bodies, or hand on the walls of their houses. To make conformity or non-conformity with others in these accidents a matter of life and death is to fill your interior life with confusion and noise. Ignoring all this as indifferent, the humble man takes whatever there is in the world that helps him to find God and leaves the rest aside.

He is able to see quite clearly that what is useful for him may be useless for somebody else, and what helps others to be saints might ruin him. That is why humility brings with it a deep sense of refinement of spirit, a peacefulness, a tact and a common sense without which there is no sane morality.

Thomas Merton
New Seeds of Contemplation

New priests

New priests for Westminster.

And you know you're a Catholic nerd when you actually - vaguely - know some of them.

Confirmation Day

We had parish confirmation on Tuesday - 27 angsty teenagers are now fully functioning Catholics. It was actually the most fun I've had in Church for ages. Points of note:

All of the kids demonstrated what an important occasion this was by turning up on time and by the clothes they wore. Looking at them as a stranger, you could say that some of the dresses were too tight, some weren't as smart as they could be etc. But, they all dressed for an important occasion according to themselves. From the girls we had suits, denim, sandals, heels, black, white, bright pink, shawls, ponchos, satin, crochet, to name a few. From the boys, suits, ties, no ties, pink ties, jumpers, shirts... Usual attire is jeans and trainers.

Somehow, we have established a community among the group. Normally after a First Holy Communion or Confirmation, it's all about the family photo with the priest/bishop. This time, it was all about taking photos of and talking to each other and being together.

It was the first time that Bishop John Arnold had visited our parish since he became a bishop. I really liked his sermon. He not only challenged the Confirmation candidates, he challenged the rest of us as well. He said later that he noticed some of the candidates really listening to what he said.

Because we've been watching Fr. Stan (in Plugged in) and sung 'hail holy queen', we included elements of both in the Mass. The choir sang 'Hail holy queen' and we played a snippet of Fr. Stan's music. The reactions of different subgroups was hilarious. Our Confirmation kids loved it. The rest of the congregation was confused. Some of the parents and older people thought it was inapproprate. The priests and bishop seemed to be shocked. Most teenagers and young adults listened to the words - which were really approprate. Most of the older people did not.

The Confirmation kids were all smiling during and after the Mass. Most other people were very serious.

The England vs Sweden match was on at the same time as the Confirmation. Not one of the Confirmation kids mentioned it, was anxious to leave quickly to see the result or anything (these, who during classes would ask to leave/finish early or be receiving text messages if there was a football match on).

If you have a few minutes...

The new Catholic Carnival is up at Part Time Pundit.

The Brentwood Y2k Festival is on this weekend.

Bright Lights is less than three weeks away.

The Convent is on tonight - like now. If you miss it, you'll be able to watch it here.

The Cardinal had a meeting with the Health Minister, Patricia Hewitt today.

What is our problem?

From Essential Youth: Why the Church needs young people by Andy Hickford:

A church once asked me to act as a youth consultant.
From the outside, everything looked fine...
The problem was the young people - at least that's what they said.
There just weren't any.
They attended mid-week clubs but ... would not come to the services.

I met with the minister and then separately with all the other leaders
involved so that they could tell me what they really felt the problems were...
the services were too long and boring, and that the teaching and music
style failed to engage with adolescents, ...
if only there was a better Bible teaching and less entertainment in the youth programme,
the problems with young people would not exist in the first place.

Finally, the night arrived to meet with them all together.
Everybody in the room was focussed on the problem of the young people. ...

I began with a question: 'When was the last time you saw an adult converted from a non-Christian background?'
... Following some discussion, it was agreed that they could only remember one man
... An embarrassed silence fell upon the room as the truth began to sink in.
I put up an OHP slide:
'This church does not have a problem with young people.
Fundamentally, this church has a problem with the gospel!'

I went to what was advertised as a planning meeting for the Open the Doors weekend in our parish this evening. I had heard that there was going to be a big, extra special Parish Mass. Obviously the choir would be involved, so I thought I'd better show up and do my duty (!). So didn't want to be there.

Anyway, this is what was decided at the meeting:

• we're going to have flags
• we're going to have a 'Parish feast'
• we're going to have music and readings from different national and linguistic communities from within the Parish community

Everyone had very definite ideas about what 'we' should do - there was lots of discussion. Is anyone actually going to do anything thus far? Well, I'm typing up some lists I made and the PP is putting up a notice board and announcing it.

Does this make it a parish event, involving the whole community (how I loathe the misuse of the word 'community')? Admittedly, I am pretty pedantic when it comes to planning and organising (I am I librarian) - can't really spot the planning the event bit, it must have passed me by.

It's the lie (intentional or otherwise) that bothers me. We are a bunch of people who call ourselves Catholic, who happen to come to the same Church to worship - does that make us either Catholic or a community? (I could call myself 'Anne', if I felt like it. My birth cert would still say 'Louise'). We are having an event to which all mass-going Catholics in the Parish will be invited. Many will not come - does that make it a parish event?

It's easy to 'blame' one particular group. It's far harder to realise that the first problem - the only one we have the ability to change - is ourselves.

Sounds in the ether

These lyrics (either from or based on the songs referenced) have been rolling around my head today - it's made for an interesting medley.

Give me a song, and I'll sing it like I mean it.
Give me the words and I'll say them like I mean it.
Sewn
The Feeling

I was born to be free, in a world that doesn't care,

Oh I wish I was a punk rocker, with flowers in my hair
I wish I was a punk rocker
Sandi Thom

Only thing to do is jump over the moon
from the musical Rent

How to coordinate a choir

I had a surprise today. Some members of the choir asked me to delegate some of what I do to them. They were all concerned that I was finding it too much (I was like what gave it away - My fatigue? My complete lack of joy? And it took you this long to notice?!). So I said I'd write a list of all the different thing I do and we could work out what others could do and what I have to do. This is it:

• Find out feasts/readings for Masses in advance (anywhere from 4 weeks to 4 months)
• Nag the PP to plan/make decisions (Seriously! If I don't, we get given really challenging music like 5 minutes before the Mass. This is a campaign in itself. I began asking for a planning session for the Easter liturgies in January (3.5 months in advance). We got around to planning at the beginning of April - 3 weeks before Easter - just too late to properly learn new music).
• Read (and read around) the readings
• Identify themes
• Select relevant songs/hymns (sourcing music if necessary)
• Narrow music selection based on what we know and how much time we have
• Pray

For each weekly practice;

• Pray
• Plan music to rehearse based on events of the next two weeks (longer if there is a big event coming up)
• Learn/refresh knowledge of music
• Try to plan a warm-up/vocal exercise in the rehearsal in such a way that no one will notice it
• Pray
• Have a good lunch
• Leave work on time
• Run rehearsal (90 mins)
• Neither say or think anything that could possibly be interpreted as a critism (including things like, 'we went flat' or 'could we sing this more quietly')
• Keep positive the whole time and take nothing personally
• Have a prepared explaination or rationale for every hymn choice, action and suggestion I make
• Remember to remind everyone of the next and upcoming events
• Leave last
• Sleep

For each and every event/performance;

• Get a good nights sleep
• Pray
• Formalise and type up music schedule for the event
• Get to Church about 30-60 mins before event
• Get music selection approved by both the PP and celebrant
• Find out what unusual thing is happening and how it will impact the music
• Put up hymn numbers
• Copy and cut music schedule for choir and celebrant
• Run performance
• Be positive and take nothing personally
• Remind everyone of next and upcoming events
• Go home and sleep

My criteria for a successful event;

1. Nothing unusual happens
2. The choir sings in tune
3. I am still standing and have not had anyone tell me off

I think I may have to edit this list slightly before I present it to everyone.