Look at the birds

Quiz

2007-01-30T19:34:00.000Z

You know the Bible 98%!

Wow! You are awesome! You are a true Biblical scholar, not just a hearer but a personal reader! The books, the characters, the events, the verses - you know it all! You are fantastic!

Ultimate Bible Quiz
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RSS feeds

2007-01-14T15:11:00.000Z

I really haven't been online much at all lately - I just about manage to check my emails. But today, I've actually had time to check my RSS feeds. And there are now EIGHT subscribers to Westminster Diocese's RSS feed. It's going up:)

Quiz

2007-01-14T14:52:00.000Z

I am foreign and knowledgeable - and Irish!

You are 76% English.

You are either native and stupid, or you are foreign and knowledgeable.

"And did those feet
In ancient times,
Walk upon England's mountains green?
And was the holy Lamb of God
In England's pleasant pastures seen?"

Well, no, but it's a cracking good tune.

How English are you?
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via Laus Crucis

Christmas time!

2006-12-28T23:52:00.000Z

Merry Christmas!

So, I've neglected the blog for the past couple of months. The new job has kind of taken over completely. I am going to try to get back into posting more frequently, but I'll see how it goes.

Post World Youth Day

2006-10-15T20:52:00.000+01:00

Came across a survey about the after affects of World Youth Day 2005 at the After Cologne blog (via Happy Catholic). Really interested to see the results of it. I know that I've felt and been a lot more involved in events across the Diocese and a lot more motivated to do things since WYD. And I know a few people who have done things or changed because of it.

Forward thinking...

2006-10-05T18:36:00.000+01:00

So, I noticed the post over at Blogging the Catholic Church in the British Isles about the potential candidates for the next Archbishop of Westminster. Kind of interesting, but I've only heard of about six of the people on the list.

I'm not sure what I think about speculating on things like this. I followed all the stuff about the election of the Pope last year, and it wasn't an especially enriching process - more like depressing. When BXI was announced, the public response seemed to be based on his reputation in his previous post. My individual response certainly was. But I really liked his sermons at World Youth Day. And the more I read what he writes and says, the more I appreciate it (even though it is hard work).

New job

2006-10-01T12:20:00.000+01:00

I love my new job!
I love my new job!
I love my new job!

Apologies for the total lack of anything over the past month. I've moved, I've started a new job, I've been doing lots of training and I spent a week in Wales. I've also had problems with my internet connection, which I've only resolved in the last couple of days. The bulk of my training is now over, so hopefully, I'll be getting into some kind of routine and keep up with what is happening elsewhere.

In the meantime, the latest Catholic Carnival is up at Luminous Miseries. I've noticed that 1dayin7 has had an idea for a UK Catholic Carnival, which sounds like a great idea.

Magic and Religion

2006-08-30T17:29:00.000+01:00

For me, the Golden Bough is one of those books that I start and give up on repeatedly. At the moment, I'm about 100 pages in and still going - progress!

It's a study of beliefs and magic and religion and is really interesting, although the lists sometimes seem to go on and on. So far, I've read about different things people do (or used to do) to make it rain, make it not rain, make it windy, sunny etc. We really are an imaginative race!

One idea keeps occuring and I find it really potent, is the differences between the concepts of magic and religion. James Frazer suggests (I think) that people practice magic when they believe that they (or other humans) can control their environment. Religion is practiced when people believe that they (as humans) cannot control their environment, but that there are beings (or gods), similar to a human, but bigger or more powerful, who can control the environment for us. He suggests that as humanity evolves, it moves from magic to religion.

Like I said, I'm only a little way into the book thus far, so it may develop more. I'm interested to see where we go after religion. But this idea has been on my mind a lot. A lot of Catholics seem to have this idea of religion, of a God who will change something, cure someone, provides something, do something that we want done, but cannot do.

I think that there is something missing from the ideas of magic and religion as suggested (so far) in the Golden Bough - but I can't put my finger on it. In modern magical stories (I'm thinking Harry Potter, LOTRs, books by David Eddings and Dianne Wynne Jones), the practice of magic is not so much about controlling your environment, but doing something that could almost be done normally, in a different way. In reality, you wouldn't normally fly on a broomstick, but in stories, to get from one place to another you could walk, ride a bike, drive a car, teleport, go on a spaceship or fly on a broomstick. Some of these methods are 'normal', magical or scientific.

For me too, religion is not really about controlling the environment I'm in. I don't generally pray for good things to happen to me or for God to make bad things go away. I don't think that God interfers in our day to day lives as a general rule. It's more about me opening my eyes to see what is actually going on around me.

But then, lots of us now live sheltered from the worst of nature or we try to hide from it. We can control our environments, not through magic or religion, but science. We can control the heat and light in our buildings. the water and food we consume, the people we interact (or not) with. We are removed from nature - nature is something that happens to other people, something we see on the news or an adventure we see in a film.

This does not seem like a good thing, but again, I can't really explain why. Maybe I've been reading and watching too much about the end of the world as we know it.

OCT 06

2006-08-20T15:19:00.000+01:00

It's a year ago this week we were celebrating World Youth Day in Germany. It's two years 'til the next one in Sydney. But, in the meantime, we have

OCT06
14th & 15th October 2006, Birmingham

24 hours, 4000 young adults, workshops, speakers, gigs, discussion, mass, vigil, networking, fun, time out and even Catholic speed dating. Oct.06 - quite simply the biggest gathering of 18-30’s Catholics from England and Wales in a quarter of a century.

Should be fun.

Boldly going...

2006-08-20T14:58:00.000+01:00

Star Trek Inspirational Posters, found via Happy Catholic

Beta Blogger

2006-08-16T23:01:00.000+01:00

I've switched over to the new version. I'm very excited by the new functionality - especially the categories. I have been reading all the hacks, but all have seemed to be too much work.

So, I'll be playing around with my layout, and indulging in some retrospective cataloguing over the next few days. What fun!

Quiz

2006-08-14T23:18:00.000+01:00

What kind of Catholic are you?

I got 66 out of 100 which makes me...

You Are a Divine Office (Moderately Traditional) Catholic

The Second Vatican Council was much needed, as far as you're concerned, but you see no reason to push the church further in the direction of change, as many progressives urge. You like the dynamic combination of the traditional approach toward doctrine with the opening of the church to the world that Pope John Paul II (your favorite pope) represented. As far as liturgy is concerned, a reverent Mass in the vernacular is your favorite, as is a vernacular hymn with a feeling for the transcendent such as "Let All Mortal Flesh Keep Silence." When Nicole Kidman returned to her childhood Catholicism and regular Mass attendance, you were thrilled.

Hello!

2006-08-14T21:37:00.000+01:00

So I'm kind of back to normal - whatever that may be. I've been sort of taking a break from "formal" Church/Parish stuff to get over all the politics of the past few months. I've spent lots of time talking about the 'good old days' and death (as you do) with the family.

Is it just me, or is talking about death a really Catholic thing to do? My colleagues at work are almost afraid to refer to death or old age.

I'm getting ready to leave my current job (9 working days to go) and begin my new one. I'm going to be taking a sort of gap year and work (volunteer, with expenses) with young people full time. The one thing I have learned over this past year is that I am not a 9-5 person. I need to do something a little different and I need to work out what that could be.

And onto some things I've been catching up on.

From my inbox...

We are now looking forward to the next Youth 2000 festival - Godsgift@Walsingham

It is taking place from 24th-28th August at the National Shrine of Our Lady in Walsingham, Norfolk. It is the highlight of the Youth 2000 year! All the details are available on the website: http://www.youth2000.org/events/Godsgift.html

From my RSS feeds...

Bishop Alan Hopes has set the date for the next Young Adults in the West meeting as the first Sunday in Advent, 3rd December at St Margarets RC Church in Twickenham.
The event is organised and hosted entirely by Young Adults from the deaneries of the West of London. Musicians, singers and artists all contributed to making the Mass an inspirational celebration.

St Albans Deanery Catholic Young Adults (16-30)
If you’re a young adult, or know of young adults in your parish, come and meet other young Catholics in the St. Albans Deanery area for Mass followed by a social at Our Lady of Lourdes Church, Harpenden, on Sunday 20th August at 6pm.

And this - Changes to Holy Days of Obligation
Okay, so I haven't really read up on this other than what was in the Catholic Herald a couple of weeks ago. But I'm really disappointed. I'm just getting into holy days and feast days and such, and I like that we 'have to' go to Mass to celebrate different things AND not just on a Sunday. It mixes things up and keeps us from getting (too) bored and compartmentalising our Christianity.

But what really takes the biscuit for me, is that it's three of the most interesting days - Epiphany, Ascension and Corpus Christi. For a start, the music for those days is good. And they're markers for other events like the end of phase 1 Christmastime, Pentecost and easing into Ordinary Time. Plus, we're going to reduce the occurance of the the Second-Sunday-after-Christmas-Day-that's-before-Epiphany, which is always fun (and thus remove another chance to sing Christmas music at Mass, during Christmastime phase 1).

Epiphany and Ascension are proper events (i.e. these events are in the Bible. The readings of the day are stories of what happened - unlike some other holy days). Corpus Christi I find a little problematic as a holy day (not quite seeing the point). However, since the whole push toward BS processions to mark the day out, I really don't see the logic in moving it to a 'routine' Sunday Mass.

I actually think that we should have more Holy Days of Obligation. What about the feast of St Benedict (patron of Europe)?

Randomness

2006-08-02T21:39:00.000+01:00

And here I thought things were going to settle down, I'd get back into a routine and post on a more regular basis.

Wrong!

I've handed in my notice at work - I have 18, no, 17, working days left.

I've left the choir - last Sunday was our final sung Mass before the summer break, but I won't be returning. Very mixed feelings - I've sung in that choir for 16 years (so some sadness) and led it for 3 months (such relief, I cannot even begin to vocalise).

A first cousin, who has had cancer for a while and been frail for a number of years, has passed away today. She was in her early thirties, so the extended family are taking it quite badly. I wasn't that close to her, and I tend to take news of a death (especially after illness and suffering) calmly - trusting in God, that sort of thing. It takes a lot to make me cry. I won't be able to make her funeral, which is bothersome.

So, my head is kind of full at the moment. I'll post when I can, but please bear with me.

On the plus side...

You Are 30% Normal

You sure do march to your own beat...
But you're so weird, people wonder if it's a beat at all
You think on a totally different wavelength
And it's often a chore to get people to understand you

How Normal Are You?

Theme song

2006-07-24T19:29:00.000+01:00

Do you remember Ally McBeal, an American series from a few years back? It was famous for wacky stories, oddball characters and the dancing baby! One storyline had Ally (the main character) choosing a 'theme song' that she would sing to as part of her therapy. So of course, in school the next day we all decided to choose our theme song. I think I chose 'I'm a believer', to try to sing myself into positivity. If only I had know that my actual (!) theme song was this ;)

Your Theme Song is Back in Black by AC/DC

"Back in black, I hit the sack,
I've been too long, I'm glad to be back"

Things sometimes get really crazy for you, and sometimes you have to get away from all the chaos.
But each time you stage your comeback, it's even better than the last!

What's Your Theme Song?

Via Happy Catholic

A free mind...

2006-07-23T18:37:00.000+01:00

...is one which is untroubled and unfettered by anything,

which has not bound its best part to any particular manner of being or devotion

and which does not seek its own interest in anything

but is always immersed in

God's most precious will,

having gone out of what is its own.

(my emphasis)
Selected writings (The talks of instruction)
Meister Eckhart

Heat, worry and control

2006-07-23T17:33:00.000+01:00

I think the heat is affecting my brain. The high temperatures (30 C plus), no air conditioning (I live in a house built in 1910 and work in a building built in 1895) AND the joy of the Tube every morning and evening has turned life into a daily challenge. It's reducing everything to basic principles - do I have enough water, deodrant, salt? Have I appropriate clothes to wear to work?

I have no room to consider more serious, important things at all. It's like when you're unwell, everything becomes all about you. Stuff that you used to worry about (or do worry about when things become normal) doesn't even register - it's all about what you need to do to get things done and make it through the day.

I had my appendix removed a couple of years ago. It was liberating because I couldn't worry about work or washing my hair or the news. I was worrying about walking or sleeping on my right side or trying to stay awake when I had visitors.

There was no point worrying about washing my hair, because I couldn't do anything about it. I couldn't wash it. I couldn't sit in a way that someone else could wash it. There was nothing - nothing - I could do about it. It was outside my area of control.

So during the working week my whole focus is coping with the heat and work, and getting ready for the next day. Sometimes, I have enough space to watch a dvd or pray, but that is pretty much it. I feel a little guilty, because there is so much more I could be doing or should be doing.

What I am focused on are the essentials. On Saturdays and on Sunday afternoons and in five weeks time, I hope to have the time and space to do/think/be.

And I think I get some of it...

2006-07-17T21:21:00.000+01:00

I've struggled with the idea of what love is for ages. Recently, I've been trying to get my head around the difference between state and feelings - we use the same words to describe both, but they are not the same.

So, this is the thing. Love, defined the Christian way as charity, always seems boring. It 's one of those things where I know it's a good thing and something I need to work towards, but I don't get why.

When I read The Four Loves by CS Lewis, I always have to force myself to finish the chapter on charity. With the other loves CS Lewis talks about, there is some pleasant payback. You don't have to work hard to receive them - you get those loves for just being yourself. But charity is a struggle. Charity is not just a warm fuzzy feeling - it is something I have to actively choose to do. It's hard and often thankless. Thomas Merton summed up that state I usually find myself in when he said (something like);

love given, selfishly received, diminishes the love given

(from No Man is an Island - I can't find my copy to get the exact quote)

It's also that I don't really see examples of this kind of love. Affection, eros, friendship all float around in the public sphere and real life - I can think of lots of examples. I can think of examples of people helping others (Buffy, Angel, Star Trek etc), but that's not quite it.

A couple of weekends ago, I went to Bright Lights. Last weekend, I went to some of Spirit in the City. I cannot describe the atmosphere other than to say that everyone cared. When other people spoke about their problems, my only concern was to help them as much as I could, however they needed it (by listening, talking, praying, whatever). It was not about my ego or wanting approval. Likewise, when I needed help I received it. I didn't have to worry about making a mountain out of a molehill, or being misunderstood or creating the wrong impression. I was accepted for who and what I was, no judgement. And I accepted others for who and what they were, not judgment. And, for some reason I couldn't explain, we were all happy and joyful and having fun.

We had catechesis from Bishop Bernard during Spirit in the City, and this just leaped out at me:

Love is an act of will where we put ourselves out for the good of the other.

And I realised that that was what was happening with the people at these events. We put ourselves out for the good of other people. This is charity.

And it isn't boring. It's soooooo much fun. It makes me feel relaxed and happy and enables me to be me. This is the payback for charity.

The problem is, that this is the easy bit - loving people who love you back. Possibly the most scary passage in the Gospels is this:

30 Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back.
31 Do to others as you would have them do to you.
32 If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' love those who love them.
33 And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' do that.
34 And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' lend to 'sinners', expecting to be repaid in full.
35 But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked.

Lk 6: 30-35

So don't get this...

2006-07-16T10:07:00.000+01:00

... but my Mother reckons this is a very me thing to say?!

Your Famous Last Words Will Be:

"Tell them I said something."

What Will Your Famous Last Words Be?

The Convent Episodes 3&4

2006-07-12T23:14:00.000+01:00

This has been a great series. Simple and seemingly mundane at times, but really thought provoking.

The theme of the final two episodes of this series seemed to be the same - how easy it is to get 'legitimately' distracted. All the 'rebellions' that the women had in The Convent are (and I'm not sure which is more frightening) socially acceptable and normal! Hanging out with a friend, doing something you're good at, getting up when you want - all things that we are told to do. We live in a democracy (in theory) which therefore means that we can and should do what we like to do and what we want to do (unless there is a law against it).

At Bright Lights, the final two talks were by Fr. Tim and Fr. Stan - both about freedom and choice and not doing what you feel like doing just because you feel like doing it. It was kind of revolutionary - how often do you hear anyone talk about not following their feelings up with action? Or less radical challenges like being polite to someone who is rude or not eating a huge bar of chocolate when you feel like it because you know it's bad for you. Acting, not reacting - it's unheard of. This kind of thing takes discipline (I'm hearing my drama teacher in my head, who used to lecture us about how great the Liverpool football team of the 1960s was - DISCIPLINE!) and the understanding/ability to delay gratification. But before I go off on a tangent...

In The Convent, you could see visible changes in those who chose to give up that which was most important to them, that which defined them and discipline themselves to do things they both really did and didn't want to do. And you could see the stagnation when individuals held onto things, and how quickly things moved when they let go.

What I really appreciated as well was that, although the nuns did (mostly) the same things, dressed in a similar way, held the same beliefs, they were all very different from each other. That's a kind of freedom that we don't often see in the real world. I know I spend a lot of time and energy worrying about what other people think of me and trying not to worry about what other people think of me. The days when I don't worry are so liberating and fruitful and soooo much fun!

So, great series. I've read and heard some different suggestions for a follow up:

The Parish (thank you 1dayin7, for such a scary thought)
The Seminary
The Prayer Group
The Small Faith Sharing Community (only kidding!)

A lot of people criticise the BBC for different reasons (being anti-Catholic, anti-American, a waste of money, the licence fee etc.). I love the BBC because of it's remit, it's (relative and rapidly shrinking) freedom from outside influence (both in terms of advertising and content control), the value for money (less than a swanky cup of coffee each day for something like 8 tv channels, umpteen radio stations, a great website etc) - just go and read about Habermas and the Public Sphere. Or watch American tv - how annoying and invasive are those adverts?

Which other UK broadcaster would have commissioned and shown The Convent? Ok, Channel 4 does some interesting religious programmes, but always from 'an angle'. The Convent was what is was, straight up, no (or little) nonsense.

Fr. Stan podcasts

2006-07-11T23:07:00.000+01:00

Have just found a site with podcasts by Fr. Stan. Have only listened to one thus far, but it was pretty good. He preaches, he sings, he quotes Evelyn Underhill - what more can I say?

St Benedict

2006-07-11T22:09:00.000+01:00

For some reason, I was very excited that today was the Memoria of St. Benedict (one of my favourite saints). Even more excited than I was about the Memoria of St Alban (who was my house patron at school) or the Feast of St. Thomas More (who is my Confirmation saint).

I'm putting it down to having a BEAUTIFUL weekend camping in a BEAUTIFUL field, listening to BEAUTIFUL people like Fr. Timothy Radcliffe and Fr. Stan Fortuna, and hanging out with other BEAUTIFUL people who are for real (and Catholic).

Anyway, I really liked this phrase from today's Morning prayer;

Give us grace to put Your love before all else,
and so to run with joy
in the way of your commandments.

This weekend...

2006-07-07T10:13:00.000+01:00

18-35? Will You Be There?

WHERE ????... @ the Diocesan BRIGHTLIGHTS Festival for Young Adults...???

So register quick for BRIGHTLIGHTs for all, some or part of the weekend Fri 7 - Mon 10 July.
email brightlightsmail@yahoo.co.uk to register. See you there!
Check Out the Bright Lights Video

Peter & Paul

2006-07-07T10:02:00.000+01:00

From BXVI's homily on the Feast of Sts. Peter and Paul (Okay, so I'm a bit late - but I quite liked this):

Benedict XVI then highlighted the fact that Jesus, having made His promise to Peter, starts out towards Jerusalem and the Cross. "The Church - and in her Christ - also suffers today," he said. "In her, Christ is once again scorned and beaten; once again an attempt is made to push Him out of the world. Once again, the little ship of the Church is shaken by the winds of ideologies ... and she seems condemned to sink under the waters. And yet, it is precisely in the suffering Church that Christ is triumphant. Despite everything, faith in Him always reacquires new strength."

The Lord "remains in His ship, in the little vessel of the Church," the Pope added. "In the same way, Peter's ministry reveals, on the one had, the weakness of man's faculties, but at the same time the strength of God. It is precisely in the weakness of men that the Lord shows His strength."

Peter's task, the Holy Father continued, was also "never to let this faith become mute, but ever to reinvigorate it, even before the cross and all the contradictions of the world."

After mentioning Peter's three denials, Benedict XVI said: "through this fall, Peter - and with him the Church in all times - must learn that one's own strength is not enough to build and guide the Church of the Lord. No one can manage it alone. However capable and able Peter many seem, at the first moment of trial he failed."

"For all those who have responsibility in the Church; for all those who suffer the confusion of these times; for the great and the small: Lord, protect us always and anew and thus raise us up when we fall and take us into Your good hands."

Upside down, turned around and inside out...

2006-07-05T19:55:00.000+01:00

... is how I am feeling right now.

Sorry for abandoning this blog for the last while, but I have not had the brainpower or the time to do anything outside my duties - except watch The Convent and Battlestar Galactica.

The things that I'm doing right now, are not bringing me fulfilment or joy. If you look at my life from the outside (and if you are reading this, you have a window to the inside) I'm doing all the right things. Just look at my profile - I have all these names and labels associated with being me that sound really great. Lately, these names and labels have become chains.

I'm not sure if it's me, the environments I'm in, the roles I play, the people I'm with or something else. The point is, I'm not happy. I feel like I'm not allowed to be me. My doctor reckons I'm mildly depressed. So, things are going to change.

And that's what I've been doing this last week - putting change in motion. It's not going to happen until September, but it is GOING to happen. Watch this space...

The Convent Episode 2

2006-06-25T21:46:00.000+01:00

Episode 2 was shown last Wednesday - you can watch it again or see extra clips here. My thoughts...

I was struck again by how brave the four women featured in this programme are. They have left everything that they know and are familiar with to try out this alien way of life - a way of life that is unusual by Catholic standards and these women are not Catholic. I wonder how 'regular' Catholics would cope? I wonder if I would cope?

What each of them is experiencing is fascinating in different ways and yet, it's somehow the same. It's like they have taken a time out from themselves to experiment with new ways of thinking and viewing and modelling the world and themselves.

When I watch the programme, I like that God is not referenced just for the sake of it - I don't notice a 'it's a programme about Catholics, therefore we must mention God continuously' type thing. Although, given that I am a Catholic, I honestly don't pay huge attention to the explainations - I do tend to take that as a given. Given my cultural specs, I only notice the nuns referencing God and Catholic teaching when it helps them to live and to be themselves. It's like the rules and teachings that sometimes seem to be a burden, the nuns use as tools. Will have to think more on this.

UK Blogs

2006-06-25T20:47:00.000+01:00

I'm slowly learning (well, trying) not to make definite statements - everytime I do, the opposite happens. God must like to keep me confused :-).

Anyway, I've somehow come across this blog - Blogging the Catholic Church in England and Wales. Not only is it UK based Catholic blog, it also lists lots of other UK and Irish blogs and sites.

So excited!

Opposites are not

2006-06-25T17:01:00.000+01:00

A friend of mine is really into older-style Catholic stuff. I'm not. He loves the Latin Mass, traditional Mass settings, vestments etc. I wouldn't choose to attend a Latin Mass as an ordinary event. I really enjoy Youth Masses (Y2K, WYD style). He wouldn't choose to attend a Youth Mass or to sing modern Catholic music.

Based on his advice, I have attended some old-school type services in Latin. I enjoyed some aspects of them and found myself to be spiritually moved (I'm sorry I cannot come up with a better expression than this) in a different way. I suspect that there are certain things you only recieve through the medium of traditional, Latin, Catholic services. Likewise, I've exposed him to modern Catholic music. He was a little aprehensive at first, but appreciated the intentions and did actually enjoy some of the songs.

Both of us are Catholic. We express our faith very differently. For both of us, the focus is God. So when I say something like 'have you heard this new Catholic rock band?' or similar, his immediate response is to take the mick (a little) and then listen to what ever I say (or cd I lend). I am not trying to heal, convert or cure, but to share something that has brought me a new understanding or moved me, and taught me more about God.

There are certain things that you have to do, in a specified way, as a Catholic - attend Mass, pray, receive the Sacraments etc. There are certain things that you have to do in an unspecified way - love God, love other people, be yourself. There are certain things that are open to you that are optional/your choice - attending Mass during the week, attend Mass in English, Polish, Latin or Portuguese, becoming a priest or a religious etc.

None of these different ways of being Catholic is right or wrong of themselves - they are an expression of something else, the Truth (substance) through our culture (accidentals). We need them all. If we ban the Latin Mass or girl altar servers or guitars for cultural reasons, we are the losers. If we ignore any one subgroup of the Church, we lose out. We are enriched by being able to hold and accept all these apparent contradictions (and each other) together.

I'm not saying that everything merits approval. If the focus is God and something is still problematic, we need to ask ourselves why. We need to question our own focus at the same time we question others. We don't have all the answers. God does. We need to ask for humility and courage, to be ourselves and let other be themselves.

To the truly humble man the ordinary ways and customs and habits of men are not a matter for conflict. The saints do not get excited about the things that people eat and drink, wear on their bodies, or hand on the walls of their houses. To make conformity or non-conformity with others in these accidents a matter of life and death is to fill your interior life with confusion and noise. Ignoring all this as indifferent, the humble man takes whatever there is in the world that helps him to find God and leaves the rest aside.

He is able to see quite clearly that what is useful for him may be useless for somebody else, and what helps others to be saints might ruin him. That is why humility brings with it a deep sense of refinement of spirit, a peacefulness, a tact and a common sense without which there is no sane morality.

Thomas Merton
New Seeds of Contemplation

New priests

2006-06-25T15:18:00.000+01:00

New priests for Westminster.

And you know you're a Catholic nerd when you actually - vaguely - know some of them.

Confirmation Day

2006-06-24T17:25:00.000+01:00

We had parish confirmation on Tuesday - 27 angsty teenagers are now fully functioning Catholics. It was actually the most fun I've had in Church for ages. Points of note:

All of the kids demonstrated what an important occasion this was by turning up on time and by the clothes they wore. Looking at them as a stranger, you could say that some of the dresses were too tight, some weren't as smart as they could be etc. But, they all dressed for an important occasion according to themselves. From the girls we had suits, denim, sandals, heels, black, white, bright pink, shawls, ponchos, satin, crochet, to name a few. From the boys, suits, ties, no ties, pink ties, jumpers, shirts... Usual attire is jeans and trainers.

Somehow, we have established a community among the group. Normally after a First Holy Communion or Confirmation, it's all about the family photo with the priest/bishop. This time, it was all about taking photos of and talking to each other and being together.

It was the first time that Bishop John Arnold had visited our parish since he became a bishop. I really liked his sermon. He not only challenged the Confirmation candidates, he challenged the rest of us as well. He said later that he noticed some of the candidates really listening to what he said.

Because we've been watching Fr. Stan (in Plugged in) and sung 'hail holy queen', we included elements of both in the Mass. The choir sang 'Hail holy queen' and we played a snippet of Fr. Stan's music. The reactions of different subgroups was hilarious. Our Confirmation kids loved it. The rest of the congregation was confused. Some of the parents and older people thought it was inapproprate. The priests and bishop seemed to be shocked. Most teenagers and young adults listened to the words - which were really approprate. Most of the older people did not.

The Confirmation kids were all smiling during and after the Mass. Most other people were very serious.

The England vs Sweden match was on at the same time as the Confirmation. Not one of the Confirmation kids mentioned it, was anxious to leave quickly to see the result or anything (these, who during classes would ask to leave/finish early or be receiving text messages if there was a football match on).

If you have a few minutes...

2006-06-21T20:41:00.000+01:00

The new Catholic Carnival is up at Part Time Pundit.

The Brentwood Y2k Festival is on this weekend.

Bright Lights is less than three weeks away.

The Convent is on tonight - like now. If you miss it, you'll be able to watch it here.

The Cardinal had a meeting with the Health Minister, Patricia Hewitt today.

What is our problem?

2006-06-19T23:57:00.000+01:00

From Essential Youth: Why the Church needs young people by Andy Hickford:

A church once asked me to act as a youth consultant.
From the outside, everything looked fine...
The problem was the young people - at least that's what they said.
There just weren't any.
They attended mid-week clubs but ... would not come to the services.

I met with the minister and then separately with all the other leaders
involved so that they could tell me what they really felt the problems were...
the services were too long and boring, and that the teaching and music
style failed to engage with adolescents, ...
if only there was a better Bible teaching and less entertainment in the youth programme,
the problems with young people would not exist in the first place.

Finally, the night arrived to meet with them all together.
Everybody in the room was focussed on the problem of the young people. ...

I began with a question: 'When was the last time you saw an adult converted from a non-Christian background?'
... Following some discussion, it was agreed that they could only remember one man
... An embarrassed silence fell upon the room as the truth began to sink in.
I put up an OHP slide:
'This church does not have a problem with young people.
Fundamentally, this church has a problem with the gospel!'

I went to what was advertised as a planning meeting for the Open the Doors weekend in our parish this evening. I had heard that there was going to be a big, extra special Parish Mass. Obviously the choir would be involved, so I thought I'd better show up and do my duty (!). So didn't want to be there.

Anyway, this is what was decided at the meeting:

we're going to have flags
we're going to have a 'Parish feast'
we're going to have music and readings from different national and linguistic communities from within the Parish community

Everyone had very definite ideas about what 'we' should do - there was lots of discussion. Is anyone actually going to do anything thus far? Well, I'm typing up some lists I made and the PP is putting up a notice board and announcing it.

Does this make it a parish event, involving the whole community (how I loathe the misuse of the word 'community')? Admittedly, I am pretty pedantic when it comes to planning and organising (I am I librarian) - can't really spot the planning the event bit, it must have passed me by.

It's the lie (intentional or otherwise) that bothers me. We are a bunch of people who call ourselves Catholic, who happen to come to the same Church to worship - does that make us either Catholic or a community? (I could call myself 'Anne', if I felt like it. My birth cert would still say 'Louise'). We are having an event to which all mass-going Catholics in the Parish will be invited. Many will not come - does that make it a parish event?

It's easy to 'blame' one particular group. It's far harder to realise that the first problem - the only one we have the ability to change - is ourselves.

Sounds in the ether

2006-06-19T23:21:00.000+01:00

These lyrics (either from or based on the songs referenced) have been rolling around my head today - it's made for an interesting medley.

Give me a song, and I'll sing it like I mean it.
Give me the words and I'll say them like I mean it.
Sewn
The Feeling

I was born to be free, in a world that doesn't care,

Oh I wish I was a punk rocker, with flowers in my hair
I wish I was a punk rocker
Sandi Thom

Only thing to do is jump over the moon
from the musical Rent

How to coordinate a choir

2006-06-18T15:35:00.000+01:00

I had a surprise today. Some members of the choir asked me to delegate some of what I do to them. They were all concerned that I was finding it too much (I was like what gave it away - My fatigue? My complete lack of joy? And it took you this long to notice?!). So I said I'd write a list of all the different thing I do and we could work out what others could do and what I have to do. This is it:

Find out feasts/readings for Masses in advance (anywhere from 4 weeks to 4 months)
Nag the PP to plan/make decisions (Seriously! If I don't, we get given really challenging music like 5 minutes before the Mass. This is a campaign in itself. I began asking for a planning session for the Easter liturgies in January (3.5 months in advance). We got around to planning at the beginning of April - 3 weeks before Easter - just too late to properly learn new music).
Read (and read around) the readings
Identify themes
Select relevant songs/hymns (sourcing music if necessary)
Narrow music selection based on what we know and how much time we have
Pray

For each weekly practice;

Pray
Plan music to rehearse based on events of the next two weeks (longer if there is a big event coming up)
Learn/refresh knowledge of music
Try to plan a warm-up/vocal exercise in the rehearsal in such a way that no one will notice it
Pray
Have a good lunch
Leave work on time
Run rehearsal (90 mins)
Neither say or think anything that could possibly be interpreted as a critism (including things like, 'we went flat' or 'could we sing this more quietly')
Keep positive the whole time and take nothing personally
Have a prepared explaination or rationale for every hymn choice, action and suggestion I make
Remember to remind everyone of the next and upcoming events
Leave last
Sleep

For each and every event/performance;

Get a good nights sleep
Pray
Formalise and type up music schedule for the event
Get to Church about 30-60 mins before event
Get music selection approved by both the PP and celebrant
Find out what unusual thing is happening and how it will impact the music
Put up hymn numbers
Copy and cut music schedule for choir and celebrant
Run performance
Be positive and take nothing personally
Remind everyone of next and upcoming events
Go home and sleep

My criteria for a successful event;

Nothing unusual happens
The choir sings in tune
I am still standing and have not had anyone tell me off

I think I may have to edit this list slightly before I present it to everyone.

Reconciliation

2006-06-17T23:16:00.000+01:00

Reconciliation means to restore to compatibility or harmony and to restore the sacred.
It is also defined as "to make consistent or congruent" - for example,
to reconcile your ideals with reality.
When you practice reconciliation, you are reconciling yourself to the truth
that in this moment there are painful differences or polarities between you and another,
rather than allowing allowing your heart to become closed to the other,
you are seeking to align the mind/heart to include them just as they are.

Make peace by Phillip Moffit
In Yoga Journal
May 2006

Survey question

2006-06-17T15:12:00.000+01:00

An idea came to me this morning, while I was praying (well, trying anyway). Wouldn't it be interesting to do a survey of people who attend Sunday morning Mass and ask something like 'What is most important to you'? I'd expect most of the answers to be things like 'my family', 'my health', 'my friends'. Do you think that anyone would answer 'God', or 'Jesus' or 'my faith'? And, what would be the ideal/perfect answer?

Then I came across this post Comfort and Security: the promises of Christ from Disputations. And over at Happy Catholic, Triple Scoop: What's wrong with modern life.

The Convent Episode 1

2006-06-17T14:13:00.000+01:00

So the first episode of The Convent was broadcast on BB2 last Wednesday. If you missed it, you can watch it here.

I really liked it. This is reality TV - watching real people, really living real lives. So, my main thoughts:

Crying is a good thing. Crying happened when individuals were challenged, realised something true, had a painful experience or had an extreme emotion. I think I read somewhere that St. Benedict almost expected his monks to cry during prayer. Crying is something that is just not done in public; it is hidden, which I think is possibly the worst thing to do. These women are really brave.

I found everything that Victoria (referred to in the programme commentary as 'The Atheist') said to be really interesting. She reminded me of conversations I have with my sister (who claims not to believe in God), where we both come to similar conclusions - like, 'if nothing you do matters, all that matters is what you do' - from different frames of reference, but essentially meaning the same thing.

To live a Christian life is to struggle to truly be yourself. It is a battle, it is hard work and nothing can be taken for granted. I found it an eye-opener to compare the joy and hard work of the nuns with the apathy and complacency of regular Christians, living in the world.

Pride is so hidden and sneaky. Everything - absolutely everything - I have ever learned or been exposed to says that everything I do or am should be right or worthy just because it is I that do it. It is really painful to realise that I can only be right or worthy if I don't think or believe I am (a challenge when it is the basic assumption of everything. It really is - just consider it), and that it shouldn't/can't/doesn't matter anyway.

Odds and ends

2006-06-13T22:50:00.000+01:00

Went to see X-Men 3 finally. What a pile of pants - a total waste of time and money. Interesting premise - if you could be 'cured' to conform to the social norm, would/should you? - terrible execution. Most of the characters (I'm using that word in the loosest possible way) were reduced to sarky one-liners or brooding stares or the kind of lines typically used in American dramas before a 'heroic' moment, against all odds, when the music usually shifts up a tone. And the direction was so simplistic - wide shot, close up, panning... Just crowd pleasing nonsense. I'm going to have to go and watch Harry Potter Number Three, which is just the polar opposite.

And ... rant over. I was in such a bad mood after seeing it. Even book shopping couldn't cheer me up.

In real life, I attended a conference yesterday on copyright and digital information. It was a real eye opener for me, especially as digitisation is causing such a shift in attitude towards information and what you can do with it. It's a bit 1984.

We had a Confirmation rehearsal last night. Can I just say how much I love these kids? They are up for anything and everything we've thrown at them. But start talking at them, expecting them not to engage and they just switch off. To my mind they are so blatent about it, but I don't think most grown ups clock it. It's not apathy, it's energy saving.

The Doctor Who part 2 on Saturday was interesting. I liked the idea of the Beast (the devil character) being physically trapped, but mentally able to possess people (and aliens) and corrput them. I was a bit disappointed at the conclusion as it just seemed too easy. The guy possessed got sucked out into the vacuum and into a black hole. As the episode ended, I was just like 'And...'.

I haven't commented on last week's study group yet - I was so not in the right frame of mind. Since I got all emotional a couple of weeks ago (is it that long ago?), the least thing and I'm all sad, depressed and weepy. Anyway, I liked it overall. But one comment at the end just ruined it for me. And it was that the Cross is a taunt, that our guy won. I can't even begin to vocalise the problems I have with this - the thought just seems so at odds with my concept of Jesus and being a Catholic, let alone what God has been clobbering me with over the past ten days or so.

Finally, just to remind you, (as if you'd forget) The Convent is on BBC 2, Wednesdays at 9pm from tomorrow!

St Augustine

2006-06-11T21:26:00.000+01:00

You scored as Augustine. You have a big view of God and also take human sin and depravity very seriously. Predestination is important for you.

Augustine

67%

John Calvin

47%

Karl Barth

47%

Paul Tillich

40%

Anselm

33%

Martin Luther

27%

Friedrich Schleiermacher

27%

Charles Finney

27%

J?Moltmann

27%

Jonathan Edwards

Which theologian are you?
created with QuizFarm.com

Via Richest Man in Assisi

If I had taken this test a couple of years ago and gotton this result, I'd have freaked out. But I'm actually really excited - how sad am I? St Augustine and I share the same birthday! He was also cited in the sermon I heard today and I came across a book of his selected writings recently. It's going to have to be next on my reading list.

And predestination vs free will has been an obsession of mine for years (but I think I kind of get, based on here, here and the idea of the multiverse).

Different perspectives

2006-06-11T20:43:00.000+01:00

There is a post and discussion over at Open Book about men (or the lack of) involved in Church. I don't really know what I think about this one way or another. In my extended family, apart from my uncle who is a priest, only a couple of the men attend Mass on a regular basis. But then, not many of the women do either. In my local parish, it is the women who make up the majority of the Mass-going congregation and get involved. In our study group, apart from a priest, the attendees include just one man.

However, if you consider those who hold positions of responsibility in my parish, it is almost always the men who hold the prominant ones. The men are the ones who organise big events and count the money and (mostly) do the stuff that gets attention, praise and thanks. It is the women who do the routine, boring and necessary tasks like setting up before Mass, cleaning the Church, catechesis etc - the stuff that rarely gets attention or publicity.

Since I've been in charge of the Choir, the PP has found it amusing that I don't like to be publicly named or thanked or even referred to at all. I don't think he gets why. Leading the choir is not a personal thing. The choir is (in theory) a community. We're small enough that we can, for the most part, make group decisions. I only assert myself as "leader" when representing the choir or it is necessary for the task at hand. It is my role in the community. Others play organ, or drum, or harmonise ... what ever their role is. For me to get more praise or thanks than the others, just for being myself and fulfilling my role, seems silly.

Is that the difference? For women, the focus/gratification is in the group achievement. For men, it is individual achievement. I really don't know.

Spirit in the City

2006-06-10T15:06:00.000+01:00

From my inbox:

The West End Catholic Churches invite you to
Come and Experience the
SPIRIT IN THE CITY

Celebrate – Pray – Evangelise – Listen
together with other young adults,
prayer groups, movements from London
Thursday 13th July – Sunday 16th July 2006 .

The Festival of Faith at the West End (part of the Diocesan 'Open the Doors' events)
will have the Eucharist as its focus, with Forty Hours Adoration,
and Processions between the churches with the Blessed Sacrament.
There will be Catechesis each evening, inspired by the World Youth Days.
Various Street Mission activities will take place during the festival,
and Christian Bands will play live on Soho Square.

Saturday evening you are invited for a celebration with
young adults from all around London with Bishop Bernard Longley.

Participating Churches:
French Church by Leicester Sq,
Our Lady of the Assumption & St Gregory at Warwick Street,
Corpus Christi on Maiden Lane and
St Patrick's in Soho

Quiz result

2006-06-10T14:50:00.000+01:00

You Are Jean Grey

Although your fate is often unknown, you always seem to survive (even after death).
Your mind is your greatest weapon, literally!

Powers: telepathy and telekinesis, the ability to project thoughts into the mind of others, communication with animals

Which of the X-Men Are You?

Via Happy Catholic.

Do it anyway

2006-06-10T14:47:00.000+01:00

I came across this at Reasoning Repaired. There are more - these are my favourites.

People are unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered…
… love them anyway!

If you do good people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives…
… do good anyway!

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable…
… be honest and frank anyway!

Give the world the best you’ve got and you’ll get kicked in the teeth…
… give the world the best you’ve got anyway!

What to wear?

2006-06-10T13:52:00.000+01:00

The Herminutic of Continuity has a post up discussing dress in Church, which got me thinking. There is more to consider.

For most people I know, the (general, normal life) primary motivations for wearing what they wear are functionality and style/fashion. Church is no different.

I spend most of my week working in an office where smart dress is mandated, to create the 'right impression'. When I go to Church at the weekend I don't go to create 'an impression', I go to be me. Therefore, I'll wear whatever I'm comfortable in - usually trainers, combats and t-shirt.

One of this things I've found most difficult about leading the choir, is that I no longer attend Sunday Mass to be me, but to fulfil a function. I feel a pressure to set an example, to do a good job, to meet other people's expectations so I am taken more seriously. So, I'm dressing up. It certainly helps other people.

Shouldn't we should be beyond this? Thomas Merton says the humble person doesn't get flustered by things like what other people wear, or hang or their walls - because it's an accidental. It's not really important.

There are many people who dress in a conventional Church fashion, who make all the right noises and gestures. But their clothes and words and gestures mean nothing because they are not authentic - those clothes and words and gestures are not true for that person, they don't believe it. Likewise, some people wear hoodies or hats, tight jeans, lowish tops etc and may not have all the right words and gestures. But what they do do is real for them. They are not faking it. And all the different permutations in between.

But we are all here together. I'm reminded of a song I know;

Come, just as you are to worship.

Come, just as you are before your God.

Come.

Youth Ministry

2006-06-08T22:36:00.000+01:00

Way of the Fathers has an post about Youth Ministry. Open Book has some interesting thoughts.

My problem is that grown ups always tell us how things should be and they rarely live it. I don't believe them. Simple as. It's easy to tell others how things should be done, but not actually do it.

Have you ever done something just because someone told you to? It's boring. Think about the people who inspire you. They never tell you what to do - they just be. It's a people problem, not a youth problem.

On the Monastery Revisited last night, one of the participants talked about how he had not found a church that he felt comfortable in. He described the churches he had been in as fake. And it is so true. How many people do we know who attend church, do all the actions, say all the words, and yet ... you just know that they don't believe it? The Y Church report, talks about how young people recognise and just discount this kind of thing. It's not real.

Life is a challenge. Anyone who says or does otherwise is only fooling themselves. Young people know this and and acknowledge it. Too many grown ups have forgotton it. If we want to teach young people about our faith, all we have to do is to be ourselves and keep it real.

Which is what Jesus did.

Nooooooooooo!!

2006-06-08T22:24:00.001+01:00

You Are Ned Flanders

A good neighbor and a devout Christian, you are a community leader.

And you are called to make the world a better place, especially for left handed people.

You will be remembered for: your goofy expressions - "hi-dilly, ho-dilly!"

So, so, so scared.

I'm not left handed. I don't have goofy expressions. Can't I be Lisa?

Fire@Pentecost

2006-06-06T22:03:00.000+01:00

A youth event last Sunday, to celebrate Pentecost, at the SPEC centre. It's just far enough away to be outside London, but close enough to get there in about an hour and only cost £4.20 return on the train. I went with two friends- we joke that we're more like an extended family. We rarely get the chance to hang out together, so it was cool.

It was a lovely sunny day - not too hot. Mass was celebrated outside with Fr. Vlad and Fr. Chris. The music was on the happy clappy side (which I do enjoy), well sung and with meaning - something I hear so rarely but makes it all the more special. We had a talk from a youth worker guy (cannot remember his name). He talked about the Acts passage from the Mass readings. There was a BBQ AND they had veggie sausages! There were performances by a guy called Tim (cannot remember his name) and Crossbeam. Both were excellent.

I just love this place. This is the fifth time I've been to SPEC and it just always makes me feel better and okay to be me. Love it.

Monastery Revisited

2006-06-06T21:51:00.000+01:00

The Monastery Revisited is on tomorrow, Wednesday 7th June 2006 at 9pm on BBC2.

Following disagreement

2006-06-05T23:14:00.000+01:00

Thank you to anyone who prayed or had positive thoughts in any way about my big event of last week. Sunday passed without major incident, Thank God.

It's not resolved however and honestly, I can't see how it is going to. This person would have totally blanked me, if I had not spoken to her - addressing her as I normally would and would (and did) anyone else. The more I think about it (and unfortunately, I'm pondering little else), I realise that I did all I could after the disagreement to resolve the situation. But she has to accept it and I'm not sure she has. As frustrating as it is, it is not my place to demand that she acknowledge and accept the resolution I presented or negotiate a new one. I must be patient and wait. And carry on being myself.

I'm still really shook up though. The least thing, my eyes start to well up and I retreat into sadness and silence - even at work today. I haven't really talked about this with anyone. People are either too connected to me to see objectively (will just diss the person - 'cos that helps!) or I think it's inappropriate to talk about it with them because they are in a leadership role, they know her etc. Although this disagreement happened in front of about 10 other people, not one has asked me about it or how I am or anything at all - I think that that might be the most devastating thing about this.

I wish I had the courage to bring this up with the people concerned. But I'm afraid that I'm making too much of this and that I'm making it all about me. I'm afraid that no one will take me seriously and that I and my feelings will be rejected. I'm afraid of appearing weak. By some things that were said on Sunday, I reckon that because I got so upset I've been judged as weak and incapable, if not incompetent. The shortcut to making this alright is to carry on and be strong. The true way to begin to make this right would be for me to have courage and raise this with those concerned. But that would require them to make an effort too. And cause pain. But eventually healing and joy.

It occured to me today that I need forgiveness - for the guilt I feel, that this happened at all, that it got so out of hand, that I feel so bad about it, that it wasn't properly resolved, that I don't have the courage to resolve it, that I failed as a leader and teacher ... for whatever I've done that has caused such reactions, the hatred and the apathy. Will try for Confession tomorrow.

There is a good in all this - it is so much easier to pray when there is absolutely nothing you can do except depend on God.

I did not come to this without help - I am not that objective. I went to a talk yesterday about dependence on God and I'm reading The Different Drum by M Scott Peck about building community.

Interesting stuff...

2006-06-03T22:55:00.000+01:00

Just saw an ad for the new BBC series, The Convent. They're selling it as a real, lasting detox for the soul, as opposed to a quick fix, makeover type programme. I like it.

Doctor Who tonight was pretty cool. The bad guy appears to be Satan, who was released from a pit in a planet suspended in orbit around a black hole. We haven't seen him - he takes over the bodies of a slave race, so they act in legion. It's a part one of a part two and I'm really interested to see how it is concluded.

The BBC also seem convinced that the Pope will accept an invitation to visit England from Tony Blair, while he is in Rome. A couple of months ago, the lead story in the Catholic papers was that the Pope had already declined an invite. It'd be cool if he comes, but I doubt it'll be just because Tony Blair asks him.

Disagreement

2006-06-03T21:32:00.000+01:00

I was part of a really horrible disagreement this week - and not by choice. Someone took issue with something I said. Fair enough.

I responded to the objections raised about what I said, explaining my opinion etc. It seemed to me, in part, to be a knowledge problem - the issue was about something that I know somthing about, so I also tried to impart some of my knowledge. I expected the other person to respond in a similar way - give their opinion, explain why they disagreed with mine and we'd have a interesting discussion.

How wrong was I?! The other person proceeded to talk over me, increasing in volume - not listening to a word I said. What was worse, was that they began to display complete hatred and contempt for me - saying things in an exasperated tone 'Oh, come on Louise', rolling their eyes and agressive gestures (on top of what can be inferred from how the 'discussion' carried on - disrespect, anger etc). As soon as I realised that we wouldn't be able to discuss this, I called a halt and said that we would discuss it later - (this took place in front of other people, when we were trying to do something else). When I tried to resolve the discussion later, it got worse. The person wouldn't have talked with me, unless other people had persuaded her. She made really personal, hurtful comments - 'I'm not taking any more of your nonsense, Louise', and did the thing people do when they know they kind of have to listen and respond to someone, but don't want to - 'Yes, Louise', 'Okay', 'fine' - anything to shut me up.

I was really shocked and distressed by the whole thing. What scared me the most, is that this person has already decided that whatever I say, she will not accept. There is nothing I could do, short of total compliance with her wishes (and even that would be distrusted), that will convince this person that

I know what I am talking about,
I'm not out to get her/I don't hate her/I don't have an ulterior motive
I'm a person as worthy of love and respect - and failing that, politeness - as she is.

I'm also really shocked because this person claims to be a Catholic and has known me (well, we've been in proximity to each other) for at least 5 years. I don't particularly like this person, but I always treated her as I would any random person who wasn't trying to harm me. I don't normally find myself in such a situation - this came totally out of the blue. I'm trying to account for a reason that she could hate me so much, and I'm coming up with nothing I think would merit it.

If you can, please pray for us both - I have to see her tomorrow and I have a feeling that this is not yet resolved.

Mixing it up

2006-06-03T20:24:00.000+01:00

In study group last night, we were talking about pic-and-mix religion. You know, choosing some things, ignoring other - like pic and mix sweeties. I like gummy bears and jelly babies in my pic and mix, but not dolly mixtures. Therefore, I won't choose them. Sweets are one thing. But...

Lots of people seem to pic and mix from different religions and systems and practices, others are selective within one faith. Over at A Catholic Life, Moneybags has an interesting post on different Catholic-but-not-quite sweetie bags. It doesn't even have to be religious. The current government seem to be basing their policy choices at the moment on what ever the headlines of the day are - knife amnesty or TB not picking up his congressional medal, anyone - rather than basing their policy on their socialist (in theory) principles.

We - people, that is - always want to follow the path that is easy and fun - the path of least resistance. We place value on things that make us feel good - happy, cheerful, fulfilled, satisfied ... whatever floats your boat. They give us a feeling of self-worth. They validate our existence. I feel, therefore I am. We become attached to these feelings and they become commodities. We will do anything to obtain them and give up anything in exchange for them - money, time, relationships.

In doing so, we also avoid anything that takes away these feelings and replaces them with ones that don't make us feel good - guilt, shame, sadness, grief. We will do anything to get rid of them and give up anything that might restore our feeling of self worth - money, time, relationships.

The problem is, of course, that life is not that easy. We only know the good and fun because we know the bad and crappy. It is the bad that gives the good it's value. Being a Catholic is about more than saying your favourite prayers or singing your favourite songs. At its most basic, being a Catholic is about following Jesus Christ, who embraced the good and the bad. As hard as it often is, aren't we called do the same?

What is a choir?

2006-06-03T15:51:00.000+01:00

This was a question asked of the choir I 'coordinate' this week. People gave different answers, and the more I think on the question the more I think it needs further discussion.

What is a choir?
A choir is a group of people who sing together. This sounds simple, but I don't think it is. A choir is more than one person - it is people.

A choir sings - not just sings, but sings well. The members of a choir must be able to sing. I would say that they must also be musical - not necessarily trained, but have a musical instinct/ear. What does that mean? They need to be able to listen and hear music and appreaciate differences - a change of key, different notes, different beats. Whether or not the differences can be named is irrelevant (that can be learned), it is recognising them that is essential.

A choir sings together. That means working as a team. It doesn't mean singing the exact same thing - everyone has a (different) role/tune to play. A choir cannot function without each individual valuing the others for the contribution they make, respecting everyone's voice and ability and accepting that they are not the star.

What is a Catholic parish choir?
All of the above, and of the parish. That means that most of the members of the choir should be members of the parish too i.e. Catholics.

What is the role of the parish choir?
The role of the Parish Choir is to lead the congregation in singing.

What is the point of singing in Church?
To worship and praise and thank and petition and pray, in general, talk to God.

Singing in a Church choir has two foci - God and music (the combination of the focus of being in Church and being in a choir). Singing and music are the ministy. Thomas Merton says that if you are called to be a Catholic poet, you must first of all be a good poet. So, if we are called to be a Catholic choir, we must first of all be a good choir - we must sing together as a group.

And, since we are called to lead the congregation during worship/praise/petition/thanksgiving/prayer - conversation with God, I think this means that we must also be good at talking to God too. Both as individuals and as a group.

In our discussion, choir members talked about singing, leading the singing etc. No one, other than me, mentioned God. In fact, I was almost disagreed with. This bothers me.

For the choir to become a good choir and good at leading other people in worship, we are good at singing and good at praying - as individuals and together as a group.

And if I am leading or coordinating the choir, I have to encourage this?

Gulp!

Farnborough Abbey

2006-05-30T19:31:00.000+01:00

We took the Confirmation group to Farnborough Abbey today. Very exciting because I took the day off work, it was out of London and I got to spend the day with friends and friendly-type people talking about what is important.

I didn't enjoy it much at the time because I have a bit of a head cold, but I feel more relaxed and more myself this evening.

Our young people found two things really strange (as in alien) - the silence and nature. The Guestmaster, Brother Thomas, took us on a walk through the woods - for all of five minutes. The kids almost freaked out - "Ah, a spider", "Somethings hitting me" (a branch!) and slipping over a log that you could walk over, are just some of the highlights.

They also could not cope with the silence, or even being quiet. As soon as we were back on the coach or in a separate room for our lunch, out came the mobile phones and the MP3 players plus loud chat to create that 'comforting' hum of background noise (so called because it is unwelcome!) we seem to be surrounded by. Even in the Church and when asked, unless there was something specific to draw their attention, they talked.

Let me just relate this, which explains some of it and is also a little bothersome.

Two of the boys in my group really don't know when to shut up - in the nicest possible way. They're always asking questions and have something valid to say, but they are not so good at listening and letting others speak. I often tell my whole group to 'take a deep breath' and they all know it means to calm down and pay attention. It's evolved into a joke with these two - I just have to look at them or gesture and they smile, take deep breaths and - most importantly - shut up.

So today, we were in Church, with nothing to do but pray (!) for about 15 minutes whilst some people went to the bathroom. The two were chatting quietly, so I gave them 'A Look'. They responded as usual, and then pointed at two older Catechists who were sitting in front of them, chatting away without a care in the world.

Words and Feelings

2006-05-30T17:49:00.000+01:00

I'm used to using words like anger, love, joy etc to describe feelings - someone's emotional state at a particular place and time. Feelings and emotions fluctuate and are forever changing - usually depending on external things like where I am and what has just happened. If I don't get enough sleep, I feel tired. If I drink Coca Cola or eat sweeties, I feel full of energy or totally hyper until the sugar high wears off and I feel depressed or sad.

In our 'Untold Blessings' study group last week, one idea (and this is the gist of it) really stood out:

The Wrath of God is not an emotion, but his passion to set things right.

This caused some discussion. Most of us tend to think of wrath, or anger as an emotion. To describe the 'Wrath of X' is to describe what someone does when their emotion is anger - talk loudly or shout, agressive, not open to reason or discussion, closed body language, decisive gestures and so on.

But the Wrath of God is not an emotion. So what is it? According to the above, it is a characteristic of God (as much as I understand God to have characteristics). And, it cannot be described - it is not the same - as the emotion.

So we have the same word, with two separate, different, discrete meanings:

Wrath - the emotion, which most of us recognise and can identify, and
Wrath - the characteristic. About which I know nothing.

This leads me to wonder if this is true for most - if not all - the words we commonly use to describe our feelings and emotions. Is there a joyful feeling (that can change) and a separate joyful characteristic (that is part of a person and does not change)? Is there a sad emotion and a sad characteristic?

Youth Festival

2006-05-28T14:49:00.000+01:00

There is a Youth 2000 Prayer Festival from 23rd-25th June in Brentwood.

Youth 2000 events are like nothing else I have ever been to. There is an article on the Youth 2000 website describing what a Y2K event is like, if you want to find our more.

Living

2006-05-23T23:14:00.000+01:00

It is not that someone else is preventing you from living happily;
you yourself do not know what you want.
Rather than admit this,
you pretend that someone else
is keeping you from exercising your liberty.
Who is this?
It is you yourself.

Thomas Merton

New Seeds of Contemplation

A seminarian came to talk to our Confirmation groups this evening about Vocation. He was so much himself, I found it unnerving. I found his talk uncomfortable to listen to, only because it was so true.

I heard a talk from a careers advisor last month (the talk itself was about interacting with young people) who referenced the MBTI - a personality indicator test. He talked about knowing who you are and doing what you are meant to do in terms of doing what comes naturally, unforced, what you fit.

I can only think of two non-religious, non-clerical people (one I know well, one I've met briefly) so completely themselves and doing what they are meant to be doing.

Just wondering again...

2006-05-23T21:31:00.000+01:00

Has anyone tried laughing at the DVC yet? As in, when someone asks what you think about it, treating the whole premise as funny and ridiculous? And then, start to talk about its failure as a novel/story/thriller/writing/toilet paper (just kidding about the last).

Everyone agrees that it's not a literary masterpiece or even a good read. Who wants to relive English lit exams ('compare and contrast...', 'analyse this text...')?

It killed the conversation in five minutes flat.

Just wondering...

2006-05-22T22:54:00.000+01:00

I've been reading a lot of the DVC commentary and stuff around this weekend. More bothered by people's reaction to the DVC than the film/book/FICTION itself. But, that said...

Isn't blasphemy against Christianity illegal in the UK (I vaguely recall hearing a debate some time ago about how we should have a blasphemy law covering all religions or none at all... I can't remember clearly or specifics)?

If so, shouldn't we put our money where our (collective) mouths are and prosecute Dan Brown etc under it? It has been said that any other real organisation depicted in such a fantastic (as in 'made up', not 'good') way would sue the pants off whoever had the cheek to say such things. Actually, most of the transnational organisations would sue the pants off you for saying something true that they didn't like (McLibel, anyone?).

Maybe the gullable and those halfway to thinking that there might be something in this, would think again if we used the system and responded in a recognisable fashion. They obviously aren't registering what we're doing so far...

Me and the TV part 1 - Eastenders

2006-05-21T16:40:00.000+01:00

I have a problem. I have started disagreeing with the TV and telling it so. It takes a lot for me to openly disagree with someone, especially in front of other people (i.e. my family).

It started when I was watching Eastenders (a popular soap opera in the UK). The characters (too strong a word, but I can't think of another) in it do and say out-of-character things for silly reasons. Just think about this for a second: your 10 year old son has recently moved back to England from abroad after his mother (your ex-wife) and step father were killed. He's living with his older brother (who is about your age), whom you really dislike. Do you:

Put your dislike of the older brother to the back of your mind, put your son first and do your best to help him through his grief and being in England, or
Threaten the older brother, demand your son lives with you regardless, generally swagger about talking about how important family is but not match what you say with actions, and then wonder when your son runs away (in other words behave as normal)?

Of course, in Eastenders it's option number 2. This is supposed to be entertainment! How, exactly?

So, I started asking out loud 'Why?'. Which then became 'Why are these people so stupid?'

Then I started to worry (no, not because I was talking to the TV) because behind a scene in a soap like Eastenders, are lots of people - the actors, the writers, the directors, the producers, not to mention the viewers, the critics ... etc. All these people have 'bought into' the stories and 'characters'. They validate the story and characters. And presumably, think it's okay ('cos if it wasn't there would either be changes or a drop in ratings).

It suggests to me, that the people involved in Eastenders (both viewers and behind the scenes) behave or witness this kind of behaviour. It suggests that doing what you feel and want to is the norm. It suggests that managing your feelings and wants and being able to discipline yourself to do the right thing is not. It suggests that as long as you say the right things but don't actually do the right things, that what you are doing is okay.

And now, go and read this post from the Anchoress, who explains why this type of thinking is disturbing better than I ever could.

What we do

2006-05-21T15:00:00.000+01:00

In working with (young) people,
do not try to call them back to where they were,
and do not try to call them to where you are,
as beautiful as that place may seem to you.
You must have the courage to go with them
to a place that neither you nor they have ever been to before.

From Christianity Rediscovered by Vincent Donovan
Quoted in Off the Beaten Track by Richard Passmore
My brackets and emphasis

Isn't this it?

Answers

2006-05-21T14:17:00.000+01:00

Just been going through my emails, and I came across this from the Pope's catechesis at the General Audience on Wednesday;

"The Gospels allow us to follow [Simon Peter's] spiritual itinerary step by step. The starting point was the call by Jesus, which came on a day like any other, while Peter was busy at his work as a fisherman." Jesus said to him "'let down your nets for a catch.' ... Simon the fisherman trusted this rabbi, who gave him no answers but called on him to have faith. ... Peter allowed himself to be involved in this great adventure. ... He was generous, he recognized his limits but believed in the One Who called him and followed his heart. He said yes and became a disciple of Jesus."

I've heard two sermons this weekend, both directed at children. Listening to one, I was bored out of my wits - it was based on imparting facts about the Mass. Listening to the other, I was challenged and uplifted - it restated what Jesus had done for us and asked us what we could do in return. I've been trying to work out why I had such a different reaction to the two sermons, and I think B16's catechesis explains it.

The first sermon does everything for me - tells me all the facts and explains them - but it doesn't let me make up my own mind. There is no other option than the one outlined and I have to follow it or I am wrong. I rebelled against that judgement by not listening to most of it and thinking about other things (like what the choir were singing next and playing my favourite Church game, 'Which Mass would you rather be at?').

The second sermon doesn't pretend to be telling me something new, it reminds me of what I already know and acknowledges that. It doesn't tell me what to do, it gives me ideas. It didn't even tell me that I had to do anything. It was all left up to me. I really tried to listen to it, dispite my head being full of other things. I felt better - for about five minutes, when I had to start thinking about what the choir were singing next(!).

I like working out answers for myself - that way I own them, they become part of me and my identity. Being given answers from on high annoys me - because they are not my answers, they are imposed and they don't belong to me. I feel cheated out of the experience I would have had, had I been left to work out my answer for myself.

This is what Jesus did - he never gave a straight answer. He told stories, and left people to find the meaning themselves. This is what I (mostly) like, because there is always something new to learn, some new meaning that I didn't spot before. In everything. Each story teaches what each of us need to learn at a particular time. All you need is faith (... and love... and patience).

Imagine how boring it would be if Jesus had given a straightforward, factual answer for everything and not left us to work it out for ourselves?

If Jesus trusted us enough to work things out, why can't we trust each other to do the same?

Young Adults Event

2006-05-20T13:30:00.000+01:00

The next 'Young Adults in the West' event will be on Thursady 1st June.

I have choir practice instead. Joy (!).

Music evening

2006-05-20T13:13:00.000+01:00

The Diocese is holding an evening of music and prayer for music ministers and other liturgical ministers.

I'm sure the 19th June is a Monday, not a Wednesday. Oh well...

Six people subscribe to the Diocese's RSS feed. I can't decide if this is good or bad (i.e. there are 6 people in the Diocese are that interested - a good thing - or only 6 people in the Diocese know how to use/read/what RSS feed is - a not so good thing).

If you belong to the Diocese of Westminster, go to www.bloglines.com and take it from there.

Catholic stuff on the BBC

2006-05-19T14:42:00.000+01:00

Just came across this:

'The Monastery Revisited' is scheduled to be
transmiited on Wednesday 7th June 2006 on BBC TWO ,
followed by 'The Convent' series of four programmes,
filmed at the Poor Clares monastery near Arundel.

See here.

Flux

2006-05-19T14:07:00.000+01:00

I have the strongest feeling that I should be doing something else, somewhere else. Dislocated is the best word I can come up with.

I've been in this state, on and off, for a little while now - but it's been pretty constant for the past couple of days.

I can't get any further though. Or more specific.

I've been reading a lot (Mansfield Park by Jane Austin, Lyon's Pride by Anne MacCaffrey, Dancing Shoes by Noel Streatfield, Finding Sanctary by Abbot Christopher, the latest issue of Psychologies, The New Policeman by Kate *Something, I can't remember* - and I've finally found my copy of Seeds of Contemplation by Thomas Merton). I know full well that I'm trying to distract myself. I'm also really busy with things I don't want to do (in that I would prefer not to do them, but also that I'm not sure that I should be doing them).

I had a fear when I was about 16, that life would gradually lose all the joy and fun and become just duty. I can't think of anything worse.

Finding Sanctuary talks about how we are tricked into being busy and that being busy is the only way to be. We feel like someone else is in control of our lives. Other people are in control of my life - because I let them. Because I don't have enough time, or self-confidence or vision to decide for myself or challenge them.

In some ways, I'm really tired of being different from the social norm. However, when push comes to shove, I wouldn't not be me. It seems like I am coming to a crossroads - I'm leading two parallel lives. I have chosen between them, but putting that choice into practice (i.e. telling other people) is a very scary thought.

I can't see the outcome, which bothers me. I like to be prepared.

Feeling the stress

2006-05-16T21:31:00.000+01:00

I had a good weekend break, away from London in Ireland. Life in Ireland is like an alternate reality. It's really hard to describe - it's just so different. I don't know if it's the family, the land, taking part in farm life, the ancestral connection (some kind of genetic memory thing? Or is that too sci-fi?) or that it's actually real and living in London is the unreal, manufactured reality.

Anyway, back to work today. All I could think was 'I don't want to be here'.

I had a realisation that for basically the next two months, I have choir/extra-Church type stuff almost every weekend. Literally, my life for the next two months is work, parish, work, choir and all the associated planning and politics that go with it.

I'm feeling the stress and the weight of expectation for something I am totally unprepared for.

I am not telepathic. I am not God. I'm not that competent a musician. When I'm preparing for any kind of service (even regular Sunday Mass), I need time. I need time to read the readings and pray about them. I need time to go through the Choir's repitoire and select music. If necessary, I need time to choose new pieces, learn them and then teach them to the Choir. The Choir then needs time to learn and get familiar with the music. For things we're not so familiar with, we need at least two rehearsals to get to an appropriate standard.

It seems like this is all extra stuff that I don't have time to get my head around - and work and sleep and live and not go mad. It seems a bit rude to God to have all this stuff coming up and not be able to do (or at least try to do) it well.

This weekend

2006-05-12T08:54:00.000+01:00

My godson (who is also my first cousin) is making his First Holy Communion this weekend, so I'm going to Ireland for a few days to be there for it (so probably won't be posting for a couple of days). Our uncle is celebrating the First Communion Mass on Saturday morning, so it's a real family occasion.

I've become very aware of the 'rules' and the 'right' way the Mass is celebrated - our PP is very fussy about the rules, and not necesarily in a positive way (but that is a whole other story I doubt I'll ever tell because I get too frustrated. Anyway...). In Ireland, they have a different focus - but I haven't worked out what it is yet. The Mass tends to be more relaxed, correct (as far as I can tell), but less 'right'. The Mass is less formal, but the relationship between people and priest is very formal. Whereas in England, the Mass is very formal and the relationship between people and priest is more relaxed.

When we go home to Ireland, we (me and my sisters and my godson and his brothers) have a tradition of going to the local graveyard to pay our respects at the family graves, especially our grandparents. Last time I was home we went to the graveyard as usual. And suddenly the boys came out with all these questions: 'What happens when you die?', 'What's heaven like?', 'Are all these people in heaven?', 'What's God like?'....... I was completely overwhelmed - it was so unexpected. It was almost like they had been saving up these questions to ask me - they knew I would answer them (or try to).

I'm almost afraid what I'll be asked this time (!).

It's not just me

2006-05-11T23:32:00.000+01:00

In a previous post, I tried to explain why I can't answer the question 'Why are you a Catholic?' properly. I could answer 'How are you a Catholic?', but the 'Why' pretty much eludes me.

Anyway, I've started reading Finding sanctuary - monastic steps for everyday life by Abbot Christopher Jamison from Worth Abbey. And on page 5, the first page of the 'Introduction', he talks about answering the question 'Why did you become a monk?'

Each situation requires a different answer.
Similarly, I have offered various answers for various contexts.
But the answer I really want to give is: 'I don't know.'
I do not know why I became a monk, because
the reason I joined is not the reason I stayed.

Nuff said.

Another quiz result

2006-05-10T23:00:00.000+01:00

Okay, I know it's quite sad, but I really like doing these quizzes. They're fun and I get pictures on my blog.

I'm a Talent!

You're a risk-taker, and you follow your passions. You're determined to take on the world and succeed on your own terms. Whether in the arts, science, engineering, business, or politics, you fearlessly express your own vision of the world. You're not afraid of a fight, and you're not afraid to bet your future on your own abilities. If you find a job boring or stifling, you're already preparing your resume. You believe in doing what you love, and you're not willing to settle for an ordinary life.

Talent: 56%
Lifer: 38%
Mandarin: 44%

Take the Talent, Lifer, or Mandarin quiz.

Ever so slightly daunted at how correct some of this is. I am preparing my CV as I have decided that my current job is slowly suffocating me (to be fair, I have given it a year). I'm planning to have left by the end of the summer. And I have actually told my parents that I'm planning on leaving ( I've left out the bit where I'm not sure what I'm going to do next and that it's highly likely there won't be much money in it. One step at a time).

May Procession

2006-05-07T22:43:00.000+01:00

In May and October, my parish holds Processions in honour of Our Lady. We walk around the streets of my parish (stopping for a service-type thing at a local school in May), carrying the processional statue of Mary, praying the rosary and singing. They are not my favourite parish events, but I attend every year.

So today was our May Procession. The sermon was really good ('What does Mary teach us? To listen to Jesus and do what He tells you'). The choir were really good (I'm growing into my new role of 'coordinating' the choir and I'm really beginning to enjoy it. We're having fun with music - it's cool!). It didn't rain, which was disappointing. It almost doesn't feel like a real event unless it rains.

The rest of it was soooooooooooo boring. It was a challenge to stay focused - I gave up on prayerful after about 10 minutes. The only place I have found where the rosary is prayed in such a way that I stay both focused and prayerful is at the regular Covent Garden Youth 2000 meeting.

Like I said here, I just didn't believe what other people saying and singing.

I was at a Catechesis with an American Bishop in Germany at WYD 2005, who said that two marks of a Christian are joy and kindness (this is pretty much the only thing I remember from WYD Catechesis - the rest of the time I was looking after fainting friends or asleep). It's the kind of joy that (as my Mother would say) 'shines out through your eyes'. It's compelling and indescribable, but you know it when you see it. Out of all the people I saw and spoke to today, I can count on one hand those who had that joy. Hence, boring!

Why are you a Catholic?

2006-05-07T14:07:00.000+01:00

I was asked this question recently.

My answer: "I don't know why. God is playing a game with me".

Seriously, I cannot explain why I am a Catholic. I wouldn't not be one. The lack of explaination doesn't bother me, but it appears to bother other people.

The thing is, I think that Catholicism is primarily a way of life. It's not meant to be just a theory you study (although study is part of it). So asking me why I am a Catholic is like asking me

Why are you Irish?
Why do you get the tube to work?
Why do like reading?
Why do you have eyes?

Sure, in some ways I can answer these questions. I'm Irish because my parents and my whole extended family are. But being Irish is more than that - it's about the history, the traditions, the language, the attitude and on and on. There is a quality to being Irish that I can recognise, but I can't quantify it. I know people whose parents are Irish, but they are not. They don't carry it with them.

Being Irish is part of who I am. As is being a Catholic, a librarian, an alto etc.

2006-05-07T14:02:00.000+01:00

If I am not for myself, who will be for me?

If I am for myself only, what am I?

If not now - when?

Talmundic saying
Mishnah, Abot
Quoted in The Fear of Freedom by Erich Fromm

I'm a book!

2006-05-06T18:00:00.000+01:00

You're Alice's Adventures in Wonderland!

by Lewis Carroll

After stumbling down the wrong turn in life, you've had your mind
opened to a number of strange and curious things. As life grows curiouser and curiouser,
you have to ask yourself what's real and what's the picture of illusion. Little is coming
to your aid in discerning fantasy from fact, but the line between them is so blurry that
it's starting not to matter. Be careful around rabbit holes and those who smile to much,
and just avoid hat shops altogether.

Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

I'm so going to have to read this book (which I've always avoided - until now).

My tuppence worth

2006-05-05T23:53:00.000+01:00

Okay, so I kind of have to refer to the Da Vinci Code (what with the film coming out this month, and all) so I may as well get on with it.

I read it about 18 months ago, mainly to see what all the fuss was about. In my professional librarian's opinion, it's your average trashy thriller page turner with an alternative history backdrop. There is actually a Sci-Fi subgenre called 'Alternative history', where you get stories based in universes where the Nazis won WW2, or Napoleon conquered England and how that one change has affected the world.

Obviously, as a Catholic, it had slightly more resonance - but essentially, I just thought of it as a story. As with any story, the question is what does it teach us and how is it relevant to my life - 'cos that's what Jesus taught us to do ;-). What really stood out for me was SYMBOLS.

The whole story of the DVC is based on the meaning given to symbols - images, actions, words that can mean more/different things than their literal meaning. For example, water. Is just water - two atoms of hydrogen, one of oxygen. But water is also essential to life => it can mean life. Aqua quenches and satisfies our thirst. L'eau is cleansing. And so on. One meaning is not the complete truth on its own, but together they make sense.

Inspired by this, I completely changed how I teach my Confirmation class. I don't teach how to speak the Church's language, distinct from regular life. I ask the class to read the symbols of our faith and then translate them into what they mean in regular life and what they mean in the Catholic Church. They always get it right. And it always surprises them that they didn't realise what stuff meant, but that they know the answer anyway.

I'm more open to the meaning of the symbols we use in our faith. What gets me, is that there is always another meaning, another hidden message. Just when I think I've cracked the code, I get a new insight. It's never dull or boring.

That's what I learnt from the Da Vinci Code. God works in mysterious ways.

Untold Blessing

2006-05-05T23:08:00.000+01:00

In the first Bridget Jones film, there's the scene when Bridget turns up to a party in fancy dress. She'd been told it was a type of fancy dress party. She was looking forward to it and made an effort to dress up. When she walked in, everyone else was wearing 'normal' clothes and did the whole look-and-smile-at-what-she's-wearing thing. Bridget was not just different, she was obviously different and on a completely different wavelength to everyone else.

That's how I felt this evening. We had a study group type thing - DVD (Untold Blessing) followed by discussion. I really liked the DVD - good preacher, mix of example and theory (life and theology) etc. I found the following discussion challenging and it's still bothering me. I'm not quite sure why, but I'll try to specify.

There was a reluctance to speak, let alone discuss. It wasn't a thinking silence, but rather I-have-nothing-to-say-and-I'm-not-even-going-to-say-that silence.

When some people did make comments, it seemed almost like they were repeating what they had heard somewhere else. Not that I necessarily disagreed with what they said or had issues with it, but I didn't believe them because they didn't believe/understand/live what they were saying.

I always find it hard to talk about spiritual things, because words just seem so inadaquate. This evening, I think we were all using the same words to mean different things. There were so many barriers to actually understanding each other - age, devotions we practice, life experience etc.

What was interesting was that different people attended than those who came to the previous study group, which made for a different atmosphere. With study group, you get the impression of learning, effort and a willingness to improve. Tonight was advertised more as 'watching a dvd' => a completely different atmosphere.

Leadership

2006-05-04T22:47:00.000+01:00

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

Would you really describe Einstein as a leader? I would go for visionary (or person with strange ideas) .

Election Day

2006-05-04T22:31:00.000+01:00

We have local council elections in the UK today. I have not seen one of the candidates, their literature, their supporters or any other thing that might influence my vote. I didn't even know that we had three votes (I don't get the why of three votes, but never mind) until I got to the polling booth.

Anyway, it should be an entertaining results night - the Liberals and Tories proving their new leaders and Labour coping with three not-great Ministers plus Tony Blair. And Question Time is on tonight! Keep tuned to the BBC for the latest.

Nerd? Me?

2006-05-02T21:40:00.000+01:00

Am I relieved to be only 'Lightly Nerdy'? Am I embarassed to be more that 50% nerdy? Well, I did study Mathematics with Theoretical Physics, so what else should I expect?

Via Confessions of a Wayward Catholic

Confirmation class

2006-05-02T20:44:00.000+01:00

Can I just say that love being a Confirmation catechist? No matter rubbish my day is, the kids in my class always make me feel better.

We've been plugging the Bright Lights festival to them for the past couple of weeks. As part of our confirmation programme, we've been watching Plugged In. And they love it. So when I told them that Fr. Stan Fortuna (who is heavily featured in Plugged In) was going to be a Bright Lights, some of them got really excited.

But today, one girl (whom I'll call 'A') was really upset. Her Dad has booked tickets for the family summer holiday, which means that she can't make Bright Lights. Gutted is not the word to describe her. She was discussing strategies with her mates as to how she could 'persuade' her Dad to change to tickets, leave her behind, almost anything - just so she could come to Bright Lights to meet Fr. Stan. What's more, her mates were as serious. These kids are really looking forward to going camping at a Catholic Youth Festival for a weekend in the summer.

As much as these kids are ignored and written off by our parish community, they take everything we talk about in class seriously and are making it part of their lives. Two of the girls in my group told me how they stood up for Jesus when their friends at school were taking the mickey. One of the boys quoted me a story from Sunday's sermon (he had taken it so much to heart that he couldn't remember where he had heard it). And they can laugh at what needs to be laughed at as well. They are so exciting to be around. They could teach us all so much.

Fire@Pentecost

2006-05-02T20:40:00.000+01:00

I heard about this event on Saturday. It's going to be a talk, Mass, BBQ and concert at the SPEC Centre on Sunday 4th June. Is it sad that I'm really excited about this already?

Care NOT Killing

2006-05-01T21:41:00.000+01:00

A bill for assisted sucide is going through Parliament at the moment - obviously not a good thing. For more information and to sign the online petition, go to the Care NOT Killing site.

A little break...

2006-05-01T21:30:00.000+01:00

I've been taking a little time out this Bank Holiday weekend. I went to the Discovering a Way day on Saturday - which I'll probably post more about in a little while. Choir has been going really well - we've been having fun with music again.

I've also made a firm decision to quit my job by the end of the summer.

My new role

2006-04-26T22:26:00.000+01:00

After what happened in our choir on Holy Saturday and Easter Sunday, I've been appointed to 'coordinate' the choir. We have our first practice since, tomorrow evening.

I have no idea what to expect. I know that there is a lot of 'talk' among choir members but no one is saying anything to me, which makes me feel a little nervous. Although I am capable, I don't think anyone realises that I am actually able for this position. I think some choir members feel put out that I was asked over them (I'm 25 and the youngest member of the choir. The next youngest member is in her 40s).

Please pray for me - that I have the courage to lead well - and that we all work together to serve God through music.

Being with others

2006-04-26T20:47:00.000+01:00

I'm reading 'The Art of Being' by Erich Fromm. One phrase practically leapt off the page at me the other day:

There is no contact between human beings that does not affect both of them

Two things really struck me about this:

The first is the word 'contact'. Why not 'meeting' or 'discussion'? I travel to work on the Bus and Tube (the Underground, or Subway for non-Londoners). I work in Central London, full of tourists in a building of a couple of hundred people. I will get around 10 emails, 5 or 6 phone calls and 3 or 4 'person enquiries' in an average day. I come into contact with a lot of people. Do I pay them any attention? Mostly not.

I spent a couple of hours last summer discussing the behaviour of Londoners on the Tube with an American friend of mine (this was about a month after the July bombings, so the Tube was on everyone's mind). She was a little bemused by it. In the rush hour, Tube users will stand in very close proximity to complete strangers, in complete silence, avoiding eye contact. I was trying to explain that this mental detachment (silence and avoiding eye contact) was the only way to cope (or avoid) the impact of such physical intimacy. Our standard 'Tube' behaviour has bothered me ever since and I think this is why. We know that mere 'contact' with others has an impact, we don't want to face it, so we minimise the effect as much as we can.

In a previous post, I talked about how scary it can be to realise that everything we do has an impact on others. But, the quote above made me realise that the people around me have an impact on me. It's one of those things that you know, but somehow don't. My accent changes depending on who is around me - I will talk with an Irish lilt, a little bit street, with perfect diction, with an American twang, a little bit posh. If I want to talk in an Irish accent, I'll hang out with Irish people, and so on.

But I never really think about the effect of hanging out with happy people, angry people, liars, people who hide, religious people etc., and how it changes me. I know it's easier to be God-focused around people who believe and practice, and the longer I hang out with these people, the easier it is to be that way (and maintain it). This quote suggests to me that I will become more like the people that are around me - I will tend towards them.

Given this, that I have contact with so many different people in a given day, worries me slightly. Obviously, I can assert myself so I'm not going to adopt blatent attitudes. But what about sutble ones? What effect will being surrounded by people who don't say 'Good Morning' have on me? Or people who can only talk about the latest fashions and what was on TV last night? Or people who only worship money and power?

Keeping it real

2006-04-23T20:16:00.000+01:00

This week, I've been trying to pay attention to how I go from being (mostly) fulfilled and contented (focused on God) to being not-at-ease and unsatisfied (not focused on God). Or, in other words, how I get back to normal after Easter, or some other major Catholic event like World Youth Day, or a retreat.

I go from being everything I do, everyone I see, every conversation I have being connected to the Event one day, to being completely disconnected from it the next day (in that nothing I do, no one I see and no conversation I have are about the Event at all). I go from being busy and focused, to doing nothing and having no focus.

So I catch up on all the things I couldn't do, like the washing, sleeping, talking to the family, reading emails etc.. I find I'm a little bored, so I start to 'do' things. Before I know where I am I acquire habits, like watching Doctor Who and Question Time and reading the Guardian and Ecologist.

I do these things for the sake of doing something. They are interesting, socially acceptable to do, sometimes they impact my life - but they do not give my life and my actions meaning. They fill time.

But they quickly seem to become 'important' and 'essential' and crowd out the truly important and essential things - like prayer and God.

So the question is, how to hold on to the really important stuff and function in a world where everyone else pretends like the really important stuff doesn't exist?

Computer problems...

2006-04-23T16:21:00.000+01:00

How did we cope before computers? Mobile phones? Hair straighteners?

I can't remember. I'm sure all these gadgets are supposed to make our lives easier - and mostly they do. But when they go wrong, it's a big deal. It's taken me three days to get my computer working (relatively) normally again.

Catholic Youth Ministry Conference

2006-04-19T21:27:00.000+01:00

I'm not sure how to describe SPEC. I think it's kind of the Diocesan youth ministry - but there is a lot more to it. I got an email about this conference today - it sounds like fun.

29th April 2006 9:30am - 4:30pm
Discovering a Way... Catholic Youth Ministry Matters Conference day
This is a day for those involved in work with children and young adults, and who wish to explore further the professional and practical aspects of their ministry further. Seminars and workshops range from Child Protection procedures, and risk assessment, to adolescent faith development, and evangelising young people. The keynote speaker is Judi Shimmell, a very experienced and dynamic speaker.

On God's Mercy

2006-04-18T21:52:00.000+01:00

I am reading a beautiful book. It is so simply written, so clear in what is being said. Every page has a phrase, a line, that causes me to stop, reflect and remember. I read this passage today on the way home from work.

As you stand before God, think about the mercy he has shown you, the enlightenment he has given you, the good thoughts he has inspired in you, the pitfalls of this world from which he has kept you safe, and the way he has helped you inwardly.

Allow yourself to be moved to tears as you remember all the precious signs of his goodness.

Think about the crosses he has entrusted to you so that you may become a living sacrifice, because they are the clear signs of his love. Let your gratefulness for the past inspire you with trust for the future. Be peruaded that he has loved you too much not to love you still.

Do not mistrust God - no, you must mistrust yourself. Remember that he is, as Saint Paul put it, "the Father of mercies and the God of all comfort." Ask him, with King David, "Lord, where is thy steadfast love of old?"

God has taken away the soft comfortable things from your life. Why? Because you need to be humbled and to come to know yourself; because in vain you have sought elsewhere for help and comfort.

From Meditations on the Heart of God by Francios Fenelon
Translated by Robert J. Edmonson

Easter Monday Blues

2006-04-17T17:08:00.000+01:00

I feel at a loose end today. After four days where the focus has been God, Catholicism and the parish community, it's strange to be back in the secular world.

I miss having things to do, an accepted reason to focus on God, but also people in my parish. Those of us involved in my parish sometimes feel like a huge extended family. What is great about big events like Christmas and Easter, is that we get hang out together and work together - which we just never get to do during 'ordinary time'. We just about manage to say 'hi' once a week as we dash into church five minutes before Mass starts and dash out again as soon as the choir stops singing the final hymn.

We compartmentalise our lives. It's only acceptable to be openly Catholic and spend time doing Catholic things during these brief windows - Sundays, Easter, Christmas and other Feast Days. Because we only have such a short time to be Catholic, we focus on what is essential - God, prayer and attending Mass. We miss out on other things like talking, wasting time, joking - all the things that are part of belonging to a community.

But at Easter, we have four intense days together. We work hard and pray hard, and and get to play around the edges. Like trying hard not to giggle when the girls pretend to weep during the Children's Stations of the Cross or singing 'This is the day' for the millionth time on Easter Day (but with drums and tamborine) or joking with the altar servers during the hour we hang around getting ready before Mass or getting roped (or watching someone else get roped) into doing something at the last minute and really not having a clue what's going on. It's really REAL life and it's fun.

'Normal' life just seems boring and unreal by comparison.

This Easter...

2006-04-16T22:50:00.000+01:00

...has been the most bizarre Easter I have ever experienced. I still feel okay. Apart from last night, I've felt okay throughout all the major services. I think I know why.

Last night (the most important, in terms of complexity and musical content) our choir leader walked away and refused to lead or sing. Five minutes before the start of the service. Over something so tiny, it's not even worth mentioning. Since I have been deputising for her for the last couple of years and I was cantoring the psalms, I took over and led the choir through the service. For three hours.

It was the most terrifying thing I have ever done, because I had very little idea what/when/how/why things were supposed to be happening. If I had not been feeling okay previously, I do not think I would have made it through the service. Although I was really upset (to the point of physically shaking), no one else seemed to realise the magnitude of what happened until it was all over. In fact, the choir got more compliments on last night's music than the previous two days.

But almost as soon as it was over, and I told someone (and had a drink) I felt okay again.

On reflection, I think I have been sheltered from the full spiritual imact of Good Friday and Easter to enable me to function through last night. I knew something was up when I did not get emotionally effected by Good Friday - there was no obvious reason for me to feel as okay as I did.

All I can say, is that God really does work in mysterious ways.

Happy Easter

2006-04-16T08:39:00.000+01:00

He is Risen, Alleluia! Let the celebration commence.

from the Exaultet last night:

The power of this holy night dispels all evil, washes guilt away,
restores lost innocence, brings mourners joy; it casts out hatred,
brings us peace, and humbles earthly pride.

How cool is that?!

Doing the right thing

2006-04-13T22:59:00.000+01:00

Doing the right thing is really hard.

Stating the obvious really, but it always strikes me at the Last Supper how bittersweet it must have been for Jesus. To celebrate the Passover with the disciples and to know it was for the last time and to know what was to come next. And yet he just carried on.

That to me is the essence of freedom and free will (a concept I have struggled with) - to carry on being yourself and doing the right thing and not change just because of what other people say or do, or what the cost is to you (although what other people say or do can also push you back on the right track, if you get lost).

In this light, Jesus' struggle in the Garden is where he convinces himself (again) to do what he knows is right. It's not that he's not going to do it - the decision has already been made. But he chooses again, he chooses to continue, he chooses to be himself, no matter the cost.

This is the most daunting challenge for me - to see God's will for me, to know it, to want to do it and to do it.

Maundy Thursday - our service

2006-04-13T22:18:00.000+01:00

I did not expect to be feeling how I am feeling now yesterday. I expected that I would be quite sad and tired. I have had a normal working day, followed by a full Mass with lots of music to sing.

But, Thank God, I feel alright. Almost everything at this evening's service went well. There was minimal tension and anger. We (the choir) knew what we were doing. That sentence bears repeating because I so often find myself in a haze of confusion: We knew what we were doing. There were no sudden surprises, no unexpected occurances. Admittedly, I got to Church very early and managed to speak to everyone involved in organising some aspect of the liturgy. But everyone was okay.

This might appear very strange if you are reading this and you don't know me. The last time I got home from a major liturgical celebration and did not feel depressed, exhausted and tearful was at our parish confirmation last July. I'm almost giddy with excitement that I'm okay. Which is completely contrary to the events we celebrated tonight and are preparing for tomorrow - but I think I may be able to cope with that.

God is Good, All the Time.

Palm Sunday

2006-04-10T21:47:00.000+01:00

I was really struck by the first reading we heard at Mass yesterday, from Isaiah 50: 4-7

The Lord has given me a disciple's tongue. So that I may know how
to reply to the wearied he provides me with speech.

I am given the ability to speak by God. He gives it to me for a reason - not to make noise, not to hear the sound of my own voice, not to ask for things for myself, but to reply to the wearied. 'Reply' suggests that I should speak in answer to others. To the wearied. Who are the wearied? I'm feeling tired right now, but I don't think that's the kind of weary meant.

Each morning he wakes me to hear, to listen
like a disciple. The Lord has opened my ear.

My duty each day is to listen. That's the primary function, first thing in the morning. The emphasis is a little scary - to hear, to listen, opened my ear. Compare that to speech!

For my part, I made no resistance, neither did I turn away. I offered my back to those who struck me, my cheeks to those who tore at my beard; I did not cover my face against insult and spittle.

Not running away. But also, not wildly embracing this. I get the sense that this is a duty, the right thing to do. So it will be done.

The Lord comes to my help, so that I am untouched by the insults.
So, too, I set my face like flint; I know I shall not be ashamed.

I like the first half. It's straightforward and uncomplicated - listen, speak to help people who need it. The next, not so much. It seems hard and lonely - one person against everyone else, who actively hate. But the last bit makes it all okay. God is there - what more could you need or want than to be on God's side?

WYD 2006

2006-04-10T21:20:00.000+01:00

In Rome, World Youth Day is celebrated on Palm Sunday. In England and Wales, it's celebrated on the Feast of Christ the King. I'm not sure why they're different.

This year's theme is

"Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path"

(Ps 119 [118]:105)

Read the Message for World Youth Day 2006 here.

Consultation

2006-04-09T15:15:00.000+01:00

In the Diocese of Westminster, we've been having a renewal programme (At your Word, Lord, followed by Christ Among Us) and a consulation, Graced by the Spirit. The Cardinal has published a white paper and wants us to respond.

Supporting the liturgical life of Parishes

I'm thinking... Your thoughts?

With power comes responsibility...

2006-04-09T14:43:00.000+01:00

To know that I matter and can make a difference makes me feel excited - for about five minutes. Then I start to get scared. That means I have responsibility - what I do can impact other people. Even more scarily, what I don't do could impact them.

A few years ago, a friend came to me for advice. Lots of people were telling her what to do, but she wan't sure. I happened to be really stressed that day, so instead giving her my time and attention to help her weigh up the arguments for and against, I told her that she had to make up her own mind and do what she thought was right. I chose whatever else it was I was doing over her.

Can I remember what I was doing that was so important I chose to do it over helping my friend? No. But I remember her asking for my help and fobbing her off without really paying her much attention. The decision she made has changed her and caused her a lot of pain and heartache. I don't know if my help would have made any difference, but I always wonder and I feel responsible in some ways.

I can't second guess every little thing I do and say. I'd never get anthing done. What I can do is to be myself and trust in God. I finally made the decision to blog for a reason. I'm sitting here, typing this now for a reason. I don't know what that reason is, only that I feel compelled to write this. So here I am, being me and trusting that God knows what he's doing.

Actions matter

2006-04-09T14:18:00.000+01:00

In an episode of the TV series Angel called 'Epiphany' (Ithink) the hero, Angel, uses this phrase to explain his attitude:

If nothing you do matters, all that matters is what you do.

It bugged me for ages - I knew there was something to it, but I couldn't see what it was. Then it came to me.

There are two ways to see your relationship with the universe.

1. You are unique and special. You are the only you in existance. There is no one else like you. You live in a galaxy full of stars, yet you happen to live on this particular planet, with your own hair, your own life and your own way of thinking. Everything you do matters, because everything you do, think and be is unique. No one else can be you, except you. What you do matters.

2. You are not unique and special. There are over 6 billion humans living on this planet right now, just like you. Millions of people have lived before you and millions will live after you. There are thousands of stars in the universe. There is no point in trying to do or be any different, because everything has already, or will be, done by other people who can do a much better job than you. Nothing you do matters

Here is where it gets interesting. If nothing I do matters and I decide to - for example - smile at someone one morning, what does that mean? I don't have to smile at them - nothing I do matters. But the fact that I chose to smile at them, when nothing I do matters, means that I have chosen to exert myself for no other reason than I want to. What does that say about my regard for the person I smile at? What effect does it have on them? It makes it kind of special. It matters.

No matter what your view on your relationship with the universe, your actions matter. They make a difference. You matter.

Nothing nice or good has to happen. But it does. As my sister says, it makes everything good better.

Why 'Look at the birds'?

2006-04-08T23:21:00.000+01:00

I was given this verse as part of a meditation at a Catholic Youth Festival last summer - and it has just stayed with me. And that was the message I took away from the Festival. Don't be afraid. There is lots we do worry about, lots we could worry about, but surprisingly little that we should worry about.

The passage goes on:

So do not start worrying: 'Where will my food come from? or my drink? or my clothes?' ... Your Father in Heaven knows you need all these things. Instead be concerned about everything else with the Kingdom of God and with what he requires of you, and he will provide you with all these other things. So do not worry about tomorrow; it will have enough worries of its own...
Mt 6: 31-34

Worrying about things takes a lot of time and energy. If I worried about everything, I would never do anything. So, I should only worry about the really important things. Things like 'Am I doing the right thing?', 'What is God calling me to do in the present moment?', or 'How can I best be myself?'. God takes care of the rest, even if it doesn't always seem obvious.

Look at the birds

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